Viva Lerida.

A Thousand & One Suns.

2012-01-18T00:37:00.023+08:00

Boom-ta-ra-ta-ra.

* * *

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Towards home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing; less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began.

- Shadowfeet, Brooke Fraser.

. . .

I had an enemy for three years. If you had asked me what I thought of her, I'd tell you that she might be the devil's spawn. And if she's not, she'd make a good candidate anyway. I mean- which full-grown woman picks on somebody that's nearly ten years younger than her? Seriously. What makes it even worse, is that I see her in church and school. She was the reason why I've played truant in the three years than I ever have in my whole school life.

In her spare time, 1. she has bitched about me to my own friends (in a sad effort to turn them against me?), 2. she has belittled me (girls like me are going to be such losers in university- blah, blah, blah- and wouldn't it be so humiliating if girls like me end up dating younger boys?- blah, blah, blah- the seniors would think of girls like me as retards- blah, blah, bloody blah.) and 3. she has broken enough ethical codes to have a lawsuit screw her over.

In the three years, I never actually knew what her apparent problem with me was. My friends (who stayed true and loyal to me, thankfully) even tried to come up with their own theories like, I intimidate her; therefore, she's masking her insecurities- that, or she just needs a good f*ck. (I ignored that. I showed irritation after it was suggested, but might've secretly thought it was funny.) I would've apologize to her if she wanted, if only I knew what for.

It could have been a pretty sh*tty three years for me, but I refuse to give her that much credit. But in that time frame, I've ran into a sh*t-load of bad experiences with the same person. I have wanted to whack her in the head with a baton. I have wanted to hire someone to whack her in the head with a baton (but it was too expensive- inflation and all.) I cannot emphasize this enough: she was like a sneak preview of hell. I doubt I'm exaggerating.

Last year, she gave me her worst, but it was also the year I was given the best advice from my friends: just forgive her, even if she never apologizes. I didn't think it was the best advice at first, of course. It was the last thing on earth that I wanted to give to her- forgiveness. What I should be giving her, I thought, was a hard bitch-slap across her face. Throughout the past year, however, I was fed lessons of forgiveness wherever I looked to.

It was in the examples set by my parents and my sister, the wisdom shared by my mentors, and the advice given by my friends. Most of all, it was found in my own relationship with God. So, I painfully, slowly learned to forgive her- a little bit at a time. Whenever I felt like giving up and just hating her guts (which has always been the more attractive option), there was always someone ready to feed me with just enough spiritual nutrition to keep the faith.

18 days ago, the unexpected happened. It was the dawn of new year's day, which I spent at Watch Night Camp (as usual). I was about to join my flock of crazy, beautiful girlfriends when, out of no where, someone descends from the stairs and wraps their arms around me. It was her. (Pause for suspense.) Before I could get my bearings together, she began talking to me without breaking her embrace- at all. And because I was shocked, I never moved.

In one, short breath, she wished me a happy new year, apologized for the way she treated me the last three years, and told me that I didn't deserve it. And finally, after so many years of crying in anger, lighting things on fire out of wrath, and calculating the force it would take to dislocate her nose as payback- I patted her back awkwardly and told her, "It's alright." As unbelievable as it may sound, it felt like the only sensible thing to do then- to let it go.

She threw one last surprise at me after that- she kissed me on the cheek. And as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared. I admit, I felt warm and fuzzy on the inside after that. It was like a thick blanket of peace fell over me- and stayed. When I finally made it over to my friends, they kept asking me why I won't quit smiling. One even asked me to face towards her a little more, because I looked pretty creepy smiling at the general direction of the public.

I once looked highly up to her- I thought she was beautiful, intelligent, and even a praise-worthy role model. That was, of course, until she flipped her bitch-switch on and we all saw a different side to her- especially me. I probably won't ever see her the same way again- as the perfect package of a lady, etc.- but starting from this year onwards, I probably also won't see her as big of a thorn to my side as I did in the three long years she raised hell on me.

If there's anything left that I can admire her for, it's that great leap of courage she took to apologize to me. And honestly, I didn't choose to forgive her because I saw myself as the bigger person. It was because I felt how she felt then too- little. If I learned anything in 2011, it's that forgiveness can never really be earned; therefore, no one can ever really deserve forgiveness. If this was something we had to work for, we'd all have no shot at everlasting life.

So, the same way I have received unmerited favor from so, so many godly people and God himself, I showed her unmerited favor- grace. I forgave her. And, you know, it was worth it. Wrath, anger and resentment are emotional baggage that we can all do without. In the Bible it said that the remedies to such things were praise, prayer and worship- it's true. It took me a long, hard time, but I did it. I let go. This new year, I am moving forward on shadowfeet. :)

Partying Like Superstars.

2011-12-30T00:12:00.015+08:00

Day 10. A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with.

Jerrica Looi, my cousin.

Even though she lives in Thailand and I live in Malaysia, we still manage to have at least one misadventure out of every visit we make to each other. I wouldn't say the things we do are always f*cked up, but they're definitely the funniest. Being cousin sisters, our stories go as far back to a time when we once wore our diapers as fashionably as Kim Kardashian wears her Gucci.

One of the things I love so much about us, is that we don't always have to spend the hours after our bedtime being loud and out of control (e.g. jumping on the bed like monkeys, partying it up on bass speakers, or dancing to 90's hit music in our aunt's living room). There are times when we would mellow out with each other, and talk about the things and people most important to us.

Cousins, sisters and friends- I'm proud of the relationships we all share. Carmen to me, me to Jerrica, Jerrica to Lorine, Lorine to Janessa, Janessa to Jerrilyn, Jerrilyn to Arisha, etc. - sometimes, I wonder if our parents are just as proud of us, their kids. It's not in every family that you find a group of cousins so close to one another. In any case, I'm thankful that I belong in this one. :)

Please Don't Let Me Go.

2011-11-12T22:51:00.000+08:00

* * *

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you.

- Broken, Lifehouse.

So You Don't Understand.

2011-10-31T10:13:00.006+08:00

That's okay.

No one should ever have to understand what it's like to feel this way.

Of Algebraic Expressions.

2011-10-27T09:34:00.024+08:00

I know, I know.

With my exams less than ten days away, I should be crunching on Math, Critical Reading and/or Writing material right now, but I feel incredibly restless! I won't take too long, I promise. Let me just give you a quick tour of my bedroom, where at least half of my day disappears in nowadays. I was playing around with Papa's Canon EOS 500D last night. Trigger-happy!

. . .

What's sitting on my right bedside tables, whee. :)

(All 5 books are steals from the BBW sale this month!)

. . .

My sword rack, before one of the swords broke.

. . .

This is where all the action happens, lol. ;)

(Sushi! Do you see your painting? Hint: bookshelfff.)

. . .

The best way to take a full shot of my bedroom! Hello.

. . .

Today, I am going to study in the library till 6PM, have fajitas for dinner at Frontera with girlfriends at 7PM, then see my dinosaur! (All this "absence makes the heart grow fonder" wish-wash turned out to be true.) Coming up within a week to exams: BBQ party w/ the Looi clan tomorrow night, Stephen's birthday on Sunday, then Karlyn's birthday on Tuesday. :)

You know what they say: "Study hard, party harder."

I Should Be Studying Math.

2011-10-27T00:25:00.034+08:00

This is my favorite sword.

This is my favorite sword after training with Papa.

I had a lot of fun with him, even though he kept calling me weak and telling me to lift more weights. (It's trueee.) In one session, I accidentally whacked my full-length mirror, created a dent in my bedroom wall, and, as you can see, broke Papa's sword with mine. I thought it was my pro sword fighting skeelz that did the trick, until Papa said: "Hmph. This is a lousy piece of wood!"

Ah, that's my Papa for me. :)

. . .

PS. Don't ask me why I smile like that! I'll smack you with the flat side of my sword, lol.

Let My Heart Beat Louder.

2011-10-22T12:50:00.002+08:00

9. A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

He isn't a person, but a deity.

He is My Father in Heaven.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him." - Psalm 28:7, NKJV.

We Danced On Table Tops.

2011-10-21T15:12:00.015+08:00

Shake it up.

* * *

The highlight of this month, had to be landing myself in the hospital last Friday night.

Rebecca Black may have been "partying, partying, yeah" and Katy Perry may have "drank too many shots" but I was having the most fun of all, being rushed into the accident and emergency ward in a bed on wheels. Roller coaster! (Note t0 self: write a pop song about this.) By Sunday morning, I learned a lot of people have been thinking about and praying for me. Worrying, too. Thank you so much, dears. I am touched. :')

. . .

I have been sick for the first two weeks of October. I was greeted by a bout of flu and a bit of fever in the first week, but that wasn't so bad yet. I was still able to study, exercise and even visit the Big Bad Wolf Books Sale- just with less vitality. I wasn't getting any better though. On Sunday night, I threw up all the dinner and dessert that I had during my sister's cosy birthday party. (She turned 13 years old! Little girl's growing up.)

So, Mama brings me to the doctor on Monday. The GP seemed to be very delighted to see me, because it's been a year since he last saw me (and the last time I did see him, I came to him with a pretty funny looking arm.) "Sports injury" it said in my pink, medical record book. It sounds dignified without the details, but it isn't really. I basically tried to do this in the dojo, but with only one arm extended. I fell badly on that arm.

My swollen arm of 2010 aside, he was really concerned for me. This time, I came to him actually looking sick. By the end of our appointment, he tells my mother and me, "It must be food poisoning." and scribbles down all the medicine he was going to prescribe me. I walked out of the clinic with a little, white bag of pills in little, white sachets. I started my medications right after dinner that day. It all rolled downhill from there.

I was in so much pain and suffering in the second week. At first, we thought it was a healing crisis, which shouldn't last more than two days. When it hit Day 3, I was still heaving up nearly every single meal, even if all I had was a plate of bread and a glass of water. Mama took me to the doctor again the following morning, who then injected me. "I'll have to refer her to a hospital if she still doesn't get any better after today," he said.

I went home, feeling hopeful. Whenever I began to feel miserable, I'd sum up all my strength (actually, I don't even know what I was running on) to look for Mama. When I did, I'd always ask for two things: 1) a back rub, and 2) to be prayed for. I was acting like a big baby, but I didn't care. I will always be her baby anyway. By the next day, Friday, I told myself that I was well (repeat 10 times.). I even hit the books to prove it to myself.

Funny thing is, not only did I convince myself, but my mother too. She even let me follow her to Mid Valley later. It was there when I noticed that there was something wrong with me. My eyes kept looking up at the lights on their own. I thought I was just worrying over nothing. "It's all in my head," I tell myself, and focused on looking anywhere but up. "What's so fascinating about the lights?" I ask myself. "Stop it."

By the end of our evening, my eyes were still moving upward on their own. It was like I was losing control of them. On top of that, I could feel myself growing even more paranoid and depressed than I was before I left the house. (It was why I asked my mom whether I could go out, actually- to make myself feel better.) I honestly (read: honestly) thought I was losing my mind. I was so physically sick already, now mentally too?

On the way back home in the car, I threw up. That was when I knew that there was something wrong with me. My eyes had rolled back, and no matter how much I willed it to move, it wouldn't. I whimpered to my mother, and she decided to take me to the doctor again. When we arrived at the clinic, it was already closed. So she drops my sister back home, cleans me up, packs an overnight bag, and sends me straight to the hospital.

She was scared, but she never showed it. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't told me, after the whole thing. She just kept praying and praying, doing a Philippians 4:6. When we arrived in Sunway Medical Center, I was immediately put in a wheelchair by the medical staff, then transferred onto a hospital bed and hurried into the A&E ward. Mama was always with me, her hands over my eyes because I couldn't close them myself.

When a doctor finally came into the scene, she took one look at me and told my mother that I was having an oculogyric crisis. Basically, I was having an allergic reaction to the medicines that I've been taking. It was as simple as that. Mama was so relieved, she wrapped me in her arms and thanked the Lord, thanked the doctor, and thanked the Lord again. Before this, she was so, so worried that I was going blind- or worse.

They injected me with more prescribed drugs, drew blood out of my left hand, inserted an IV cannula into my vein, hooked me up to a heart monitor, and left me to rest under a white blanket. Within an hour's time, the strain on my eyes began to subside. I could move them again! But to be safe, I didn't dare look upwards for the rest of the night. With all my heart, I thanked God. I could feel my health coming back to me, after so long.

I was discharged from the hospital in the wee hours of the morning, feeling better than I've ever had the past month. (Thank God!) I was bathed and tucked back into my own bed. My last words before I slept were, "I love you, Mama." I woke up early in the morning, to see Stephen smiling warmly at me from the doorway of my bedroom. And in one, sleepy blink, I was scooped up into his arms. Ah, home sweet home indeed. :)

. . .

It has been a week since that night, and I'm still alive and kicking! (More like alive and clicking here.) And you know what? I am a whole lot more appreciative of a lot of things and people now. I suppose it's times like these when you see what really does help you and who really does love you. And well, I thank God for my Mama most of all. She's the kind of mother I know I want to be when I'm all grown up. A heaven-sent.

All In A Red Water Balloon.

2011-09-30T23:53:00.017+08:00

Day 8. A picture that makes you laugh.

WEDDING SLIDE-SHOW MATERIAL.

. . .

THIS PICTURE STILL CRACKS ME UP, every single time. I couldn't choose a better post to end the month of September with than this! I'm sorry, Karlyn. This has been the one challenge I have been looking forward to. In fact, I only got over and done with the last challenge, so that I can finally come to this. Hoo hee hoo... :) I should personally thank Matthew this Sunday, for taking this picture of you!

In the year I first met you, I never ever would have thought that you would be someone I would ever grow close to, much less care for. God had a totally different idea for us though. I mean, look at us now. I doubt anyone would be able to tell that we used to keep communication with each other at a bare minimum. Or that if we ever did, we'd occasionally throw a few backhanded remarks at each other.

Now, it's almost impossible to shut us up or keep us apart! I'm the one you call when you're feeling "depressed", and then end up laughing your butt off with me for the rest of the call duration, powering through dead batteries and drained prepaid credit. And you're the one I pull out with me on joy rides to the ends of the city, even though you make a pretty useless human GPS whenever we get lost. :9

I'm really, really glad that our story didn't end at being the cold and indifferent acquaintances that we were to each other when we were 15 years old. (What were we so tensed up for anyway? All that unnecessary stress, pft.) If anything, I'm grateful that God showed me the wonderful person that you truly are. Because, honestly speaking, you have turned out to be one of the dearest friends I have ever had. :)

. . .

I love you, woman. Stay beautiful!

* * *

(Ee, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. There's a mammoth growing inside of meee!)

Double-Knotted Shoelaces.

2011-09-22T17:33:00.008+08:00

Different plans now, but still keeping the same goals in view. :)

(I said that in less than 140 characters. It's a sign, Twitter is growing on me.)

Optimistic For A Pessimist.

2011-09-06T19:06:00.005+08:00

This one's for you and me, living out our dreams

We're all right where we should be
Lift my arms out wide I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see
Is a sky full of lighters
A sky full of lighters

- Lighters, Eminem, Royce Da 5'9, & Bruno Mars.

* * *

My Goals for the Last Quarter of 2011:

September: Graduate Grade 12.

Dear God, thank you for providing me with an excellent network of supportive and encouraging family, friends, and the most endearing Math tutor ever for the past year. I think it even makes up for the person/s that has been trying to stand in my way.

Please help me to be commited to accomplish this goal by the end of this month, latest. Karlyn says she'll treat me to a meal at Deli Cious if I do, and I really do love their lasagna and brownies. I pray to be less distracted and to be more disciplined. Amen! :)

October: Jeng-jeng-jeng to blue belt.

So maybe being MIA from the dojo since May wasn't the best of ideas. At first I had good reasons like, I'm in Cambodia for missions trip, I'm in Philippines to visit relatives, the sensei I usually train under just injured her shoulder, etc. And then, it all just snowballed into one big, fat excuse: I'm too busy. I need rebuild my stamina from scratch now, sigh.

The Plan: Go to the dojo three times a week and attend two classes each time.

November: Take SATs, score above 1800.

Study hard, party harder.

My study plan has already been prepared for me. I will look further into it after I have finally crossed my Grade 12's finish line with tears on my face and sweat in my armpits, etc.- which will hopefully come to pass within the next 24 days, eep. One thing at a time, please.

December: GET THAT BROWN BELT, OMG.

I'm saying this in caps lock because it seems like an impossible task and the idea- AHHH!!!- already stresses me out. This one is actually a challenge my father gave me on the way back home from church last Sunday. After a lot of "???" and "!!!", I accepted it. I'm crazy.

The average aikidoka takes- what?- at least half a year to train themselves for this groundbreaking exam. I, on the other hand, have only been given two months. I don't know who I'm kidding. But for now, it's on. My plan? NEVER EVER MISS A KENSHU CLASS.

. . .

Cucumber: Om nom nom nom.

* * *

I am counting on the truth that I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. I think I might have overwhelmed myself a little bit, writing this post. (I whimper every time I re-read the December one. If I had a tail, it would be between my legs. I am that uneasy.) I'm going to pray to my Father in Heaven now, and ask for His blessing.

Till my next update, take care! ;)

And I Keep Hitting Repeat.

2011-09-05T12:40:00.014+08:00

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hittin' repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat.

- Love You Like A Love Song, Selena Gomez.

I don't even like this song, but its chorus is stuck in my head. :(

* * *

Day 7. A picture of your most treasured item.

I don't know, man.

I'm not the type to emotionally latch myself onto things, especially when I know that most of them can be easily replaced. Karlyn once asked me what I would run out with if my house was on fire, and I said my wallet with my IC and driver's license inside and my passport- to save me the trouble of having to remake them later on. She called me "too practical!"

To be sentimental, maybe I'd take my stack of my family's photo albums in my arms. Mama spent a lot of time making them, writing something witty at the side of every other photo she put in. These are all preserved memories. Precious memories. When I become a mother myself, I definitely want to do what she did. Some things shouldn't be left digital.

Then there is my pink, baby book, the old, video tape of my 2nd birthday in Philippines, the photo fridge magnet of my late cousin and me, my shoebox of cards, letters and passed notes, my favorite teddy bears, the painting a girlfriend gave on my 17th, my boyfriend's watch, etc. They're all very sentimentally valuable to me, but what is it I can't live without?

To step up to the plate:

Telefon bimbit-bit-bit-bit-bit.

And with that, I finally conclude Day 7's challenge. Tata. :)

It's A Circle, A Mean Cycle.

2011-09-02T17:58:00.013+08:00

Now I'm the cat's me-ow, ow.

(Taken on the floor of my sister's study room cos I'm too comfortable to move anywhere else. The laptop is being elevated by a stack of books as we speak, lol. I hope it doesn't tilt over.)

* * *

How am I doing?

Like I said in humor, I've been getting in and out of trouble lately. What I didn't tell you, however, is that it's not totally bad. I discovered that every cloud does seem to have a silver lining to it, even if some take longer to show up than others. They're all still there. I'm good, really. (I'm sorry, does that displease you? Too bad, muchacho.)

Er, by the way, he's not my "boy-toy". (And I'm slightly amused that such a bimbo word exists in your vocabulary. I never knew you were like that.) He's my hombre aficionado, or boyfriend. I've been told that you want to "stab him in the esophagus" and all, but let's be real; even my sources couldn't repeat your "macho" threats without cracking up.

I have a girlfriend whom I care a lot for. (It's hard to feel otherwise, after all these years of friendship.) I got to speak to her boy the other day. I told him as long as he doesn't give me any reason to be enemies, I'm willing to be friendly towards him. I won't make his stay in Malaysia difficult for him. So far, so good. He seems to be taking care of her.

You, on the other hand, have given me plenty of reasons, but I can't be bothered with you. You make life hard for yourself without any help. (Bravo.) Even if that weren't the case, I still couldn't be bothered. We lead separate lives now. I have tried to maintain friendly ties with you, but you threw that away. That's cool, I don't need you. I never did.

Other than that, I recently came back from a vacation in the Philippines with my family and my boyfriend. I spent the first night home with my closest friends and ate our hearts out at a Chinese eatery someplace in PJ. I've confirmed with the AOP guidance counselor that my studies are on track. I'm earning from a live modeling gig next weekend.

And I don't miss you at all.

PS. You called the wrong person "a f*cking dumb chick", man. I am going to be so much more successful in life than you ever will be. Watch me.

We'll Make It Somehow.

2011-08-27T12:27:00.021+08:00

Day 6. A person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Hayley Williams, maybe?

* * *

And when it rains,
On this side of town it touches, everything.
Just say it again and mean it.
We don't miss a thing.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
And convinced yourself that
It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

- When It Rains, Paramore.

A Cup Of Hot Chocolate.

2011-08-22T15:33:00.004+08:00

Pretty. :) I should try doing something like this someday.

Party Everywhere, Girl.

2011-08-06T00:33:00.049+08:00

Wake me up in San Francisco
(Where the love is in the air
All the people stop and stare)

- San Francisco, Cascada.

I like this song so much. I always turn up on the volume whenever it comes on the car radio. Like, finally. Someone sings about San Francisco! Not New York. Not Las Vegas. Not even Balti- whatever- more. San Francisco. By far, my favorite city of all the cities I've been in USA. And now it never fails to cheer me up- the song, I mean.

* * *

After a warm afternoon at the park today, Stephen, Karlyn and I went over to the nearest kopitiam to cool down. And while the two of them were taking complete advantage of the free WiFi to check their FB notifications with their android phones, I was looking down at my toes underneath the table. And wiggling them. I remember feeling particularly lighthearted at that time (something of a rarity these days, but I'm not here to talk about my growing pains now), because:

1. I had a pretty good breakfast with Jeremy and friends. :) It's always nice to see Jeremy, especially since this summer has been a golden opportunity to catch up with him in person after one and a half years of not being able to, what with him having been in Texas and me, KL.

2. Frisbee in the park was fun! I mean, the last time I played with one was when I was a kid. It was possibly even before I migrated to Philippines to spend my kindergarten years there. My memory's fuzzy, but that just goes to show how long ago it has been. All these years later, I find out that: hey, I'm not so bad at this! (Rephrased: NICE. I did not get hit in the face once!)

3. Of Karlyn. It's really hard to describe my conversations with her whenever one/both of us is/are having PMS. One moment we're sipping our drinks and discussing something rationally, and the next, we're sticking our tongues out and yelling at each other. It's not that we're mad at one another when we do that, just... mad. (And the sticking-out-tongue thing is usually just me, eh heh.)

4. My toenails are purple! Which explains why I was looking down at my toes, feeling lighthearted. It just made me a little bit happier to see that my toenails are looking a little bit prettier than normal. (Not that my toenails are normally pretty in the first place, but you know what I mean.) I like purple. I like purple on my toenails.

5. Despite all my problems the past season, I was happy then. And I was definite about it. No one and nothing could take that moment away, however long it was to last, from me. So I sat there, wiggling my toes in quiet merriment to myself. And thanking God for giving me the chance to be this glad in a day He has made. :)

* * *

Wake me up in San Francisco. Good night, world. ;)

But I'll Let My Heart Go.

2011-07-26T20:15:00.032+08:00

I'm only human
I've got a skeleton in me
But I'm not the villain
Despite what you're always preaching
Call me a traitor
I'm just collecting your victims
They're getting stronger, I hear them calling.

- Monster, Paramore.

* * *

Last week, my younger cousin from Thailand came down to Malaysia and stayed over my house for five days and four nights. There was a weekend inside there, and it was easily one of the best weekends we've ever shared with each other- touring the night market on a Friday evening, partying to ourselves after midnight, talking about and laughing at our secrets in our pajamas, promising each other to keep them, and then finally becoming subconscious on our beds just before the sun rose. I didn't sleep at a decent hour for all four nights. 4AM was as decent as it got.

. . .

Conversations with the cat, lol.

. . .

J'ca.

. . .

Me.

. . .

Missing you already, Jerrica.

. . .

Come back soon! So that we can have more happening nights together- monkey-dancing in front of the over-sized, full-length mirror in my room/ amusing me with your "They don't have this in Thailand!" speeches on things I often take for granted, such as Mountain Dew/ entertaining my friends with your Scotland Yard "tactics"/ making up, dressing up and doing a Ke-dollar sign-Ha! by grabbing our glasses, going out the door, and hitting the city/and basically, just having fun like how we always have whenever a Jerrica and a Lerida is put in the same country. :)

Love you longtime, cousin.

& All The World Is Calm.

2011-07-14T09:10:00.018+08:00

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far, we are so close.

- So Close, Jon McLaughlin.

. . .

I find my assurance in the most unlikely places in our relationship, like in our fights. I mean, as much as I like being hugged, kissed, and told that I am loved, there is only so much they can prove meaningful on their own, you know? It's when we get into an argument when all of what we have is thrown onto a scale and it's like, "So, how much do you really love me now?"

And you usually prove that you really do love me.

. . .

Note: I'm not suggesting that couples should fight all the time- that's stupid. I just suppose (juxtapose, lol) that the occasional friction wouldn't hurt, much.

* * *

I'm going to the gym with my sister today. I think my favorite part about hitting Fitness First is the Astro TV channels you can plug into and the free-flow of soft drinks at the coffee corner. The last time I expressed this out loud, Karlyn smacked me on my chicken wings (def. 1. the wing of a chicken, 2. the flabby arm of a woman) and said that I was defeating the entire purpose of visiting the gym. :(

I think there's HIMYM showing today!

* * *

One night, I came back home, took off my shoes, and almost wiped my foot on the rug on the floor. Just almost, because I found out in the nick of time that the rug was, in fact, Teddy. That's when I knew I really, really needed to take that dog to the groomers. He looks like the end of a dirty mop, especially when he lies down on his little belly. I'm going with Team Teddy's head cheerleader, Delaney, tomorrow to the pet parlor. I hope they're open! Poor Theodore.

* * *

You're my Cuppy Cake. :)

♥

* * *

Yes, this is a light and fluffy post. I'm starting my day with this update, so forgive me for not charging through my sleepiness by writing a thought-provoking, emotion-evoking piece. I'm not really at my most inspirational this early.

In any case, good morning, everybody! Enjoy breakfast. :)

Mailing To Spring Arbor.

2011-06-22T10:51:00.025+08:00

The first thing I thought of when I woke up: Wednesday, June 22. :)

Happy Birthday, dearest Jaryl!

(Yes, he's the one making the face at the back.)

I know, I know. I haven't been updating in almost a month. I was even one week away from a new (and totally useless) all-time record. I couldn't let you and your birthday get away though- so again, happy birthday, Jaryl! :)

I miss talking to you. Like, face-to-face. I miss having sleepovers in Mishie's house where we'd get fat on her yummy desserts, drive her absolutely crazy with out hippie/surf talk, shake our bonbons and slap our bum-bums with Wii controllers and "throw any semblance of dignity out the window" (Chua, 2011.) till three in the morning cos that is the true spirit of playing triple R, and just bond as the Thread of Three over plates of Cajun chicken and tom yam spaghetti and toffee cake and...- Great, my stomach just growled. I'm so hungry. :(

Most of all, really, I miss having you around. When you first left for the States, I'd go to church forgetting that you've gone (You know how I am in the morning- blur.) and look for you. Like, seriously. I would do my usual route around the main sanctuary, into the pantry and out again. Then when I see Julian, your brother, as I'm about to ask him, "Where's Jaryl?" it would only dawn on me that Jaryl is in Spring Arbor. So in the end, I'd ask, "How's Jaryl?" After three to four Sundays, I stopped that. (If I didn't, I think I'd need some help.)

I hope Michigan's summer has been treating you well. I wish you were coming back to Malaysia for the season. Still, have a blessed birthday! And remember: you have people all over the world (but mostly in Malaysia, okay) who really do love you. Most importantly, you have a Heavenly Father up there who loves you the more than all of us put together. :) We may be apart for now, but I don't believe in "growing apart" for us. We spent way too long growing up together for something like that to happen. We will be reunited, someday.

Mish, you and me will be!

I'll see you real soon, either here or there. :)

When Girls Run The World.

2011-05-31T15:35:00.022+08:00

Boy, you know you love it
How we're smart enough to make these millions
Strong enough to bear the children
Then get back to business.

- Run the World, Beyonce.

Honestly, the amount of grammatical errors overlooked in this song kills me, but I ain't hatin' on the feminist spirit. (My persuasion can build a nation/ Endless power/ Our love we can devour/ You'll do anything for me.) A bit extreme, but whatever.

* * *

I better see all your faces in Youth Camp 2011:

New Year's Eve at the beach with my insane, Vineyard girlfriends. :)

. . .

It only feels like yesterday when we were celebrating the new year, and now we're already on our last day of May. Where has all the time in the world gone?

Sundown; She Gets Me Up.

2011-05-30T23:30:00.000+08:00

Today,

Lorine found me crying my eyes out in my room, which must have startled her cos she knows how I am rarely ever reduced to tears. (Shit happens, k.) She took one look at me, muttered something or the other, and left me alone to my tear-fest. I cried even harder when she closed the door behind her, my spirits at an all-time low.

After about half an hour of sobbing and sniffling, I hear a knock on my door and her voice behind it, asking me to unlock the door for her. With reluctance, I let go of my bolster (which was soaked with tears and snot, ew) and get out of bed to help unlock and open the door for her. When I opened it, I saw she had something for me:

"I made Milo Dinosaur for you," she says, holding up a plate to me with a huge mug of hot Milo milk + powder, two pieces of chocolate placed next to each other, a siew bao, and a mini packet of Skittles sitting on it. It was so sweet of her, a smile actually formed on my face for the first time since my emotional breakdown that day.

:)

I love my lil sister.

Because You Are So Dear.

2011-05-28T23:57:00.034+08:00

"Happy Birthday, B! I got a present for you!" I say excitedly, rushing up the stairs to his family room where he was playing an intense round of DotA.

"Hey, L." He greets, glancing up from the laptop screen for two seconds to smile at me. (His precious two seconds which more or less equates to two serious minutes in Game Time. I was touched.) "I've been waiting for you to come over since you called."

"No, you haven't!" I say, "You've been gaming."

"I've been gaming and waiting for you. Two hours, I kept time. Hold on, just let me finish this game and I'll be right there with you." He says, his eyes never leaving the screen since the expensive smile.

I let out a sigh, turning my back on his intensive clicking and typing to go inside his room. Soon enough, he enters his room and chatters animatedly to me. I interrupt him to toss a newspaper-wrapped gift and instruct, "Open the present! The big box is from Karlyn and Stephen. The little box is from me." He tears it open, discover what his presents are and boyishly gushes over them. We continue our lively conversation from then on- me fully cognizant of what's going to happen in two to three minutes, him totally clueless.

In two to three minutes, this is what happened:

Karlyn, followed by Stephen, Barney and Jonathan enters the room with their grins reaching from ear to ear, corners a laughing Brandon (who is all-surprised, but also all-aware that this was his Birthday Sabotage.) and tries to tape and tie him up in order to "kidnap" him to bring him to his next surprise (which was to HCC where his friends, a birthday cake, and one more sabotaging action waited for him.) We all thought that when the time came to kidnap him, he'd throw his weight around for show, but ultimately let us have our way. It wouldn't be that easy, but it couldn't be that difficult either. Besides, how much harder could it be from the kidnap of Karlyn last year? And that was a backfired plan! This wasn't going to backfire.

Wrong.

What actually happened:

Karlyn and the boys pick up Brandon and try to tape and tie him up. Brandon puts up a fight. Everybody in the room laughs throughout the struggle, thinking that it won't last long and that we'll have him at the back of the car in no time. Not correct. Aunty Pek See and Claudia, Brandon's mom and sis, come into the room just in time to witness Brandon's monster grow out of him: B starts to trash around violently and yell at all of us. B's weight brings him down with the rest of us. We all turned a deaf ear towards B's threats and curses, probably because all of us put together made us louder than him anyway. The boys worked on keeping him down, the girls (including Claudia) worked on getting his limbs taped or tied up. We still didn't think he was fighting back for real, so we bound him lightly. He breaks all the tape and strings. We sigh in exasperation! The boys' tone of voice change when it dawns on them first that Brandon means serious business. According to Stephen, he felt Brandon's back muscles ripple against his chest. Brandon wasn't playing anymore, he was fighting.

And then, I heard Karlyn yell (to beat the noise from all the commotion below), "BRANDON!!! WOULD YOU JUST CO-OPERATE? DON'T MAKE ME WISH WE DRUGGED YOU FROM THE START. DID YOU KNOW EVERYONE WAS ALL FOR THE IDEA OF DRUGGING YOU IN CASE EXACTLY THIS WOULD HAPPEN? BUT I WAS THE ONE PERSON WHO STOOD UP AGAINST THEM FOR YOU. SO. QUIT STRUGGLING BEFORE I REGRET MY WILLING GREAT ACT OF KINDNESS." or something.

(You'd think I'd totally miss that out, given all the light, motherly chiding from Aunty Pek See, screaming and shouting and yelling from the girls and the boys, and the "ROAAAR"-ing from Brandon the Suddenly Mighty. But I didn't.)

Next thing you know, Brandon, who was held down by three, able boys and tied up by another three, (fairly) able girls, begins to sob. It was all so chaotic though, that we didn't even notice his depressed state until his mother points it out from above us and advices us to comfort him. The boys lighten their grip a little, but immediately grab onto him even harder when he tried to trash against them some more. Karlyn stopped whatever she was doing to go over in front of Brandon and try to placate him, I half-stopped once I realized that he was really crying his eyes out here, but Claudia didn't stop at all. She kept working on with the boys, explaining along the way that: "My brother only ever cries for two reasons: One, when he's really, really sad. Or two, when he's really, really, really angry. I don't think he feels sad right now, so..."

Karlyn switches on her counselor mode and tries to look Brandon in the eye, asking, "Brandon, what's wrong? Brandon?" Brandon ignores her to sob and sniffle helplessly. "Brandon," she says, "If you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you. Why are you crying? What's wrong?"

"Brandon." I say, in all seriousness, "Come on, you know we're not trying to hurt you, right? If you feel any pain, it's mostly cos you keep struggling unnecessarily. Please, B. Don't cry. We're doing this cos we love you, really."

Karlyn echoes my thoughts and adds on with hers. I use a free hand to ruffle his hair. Brandon finally admits his problem to our resident psychologist, Karlyn, that he was actually suffocating in his awkward position on the floor. The boys then decide to move him up to a sitting position effective immediately, hoping he'd feel breathe more easily then. Bad idea.

Brandon (geez, B) begins to wriggle and struggle violently again, testing the weight, strength and wit of the boys. In pure desperation, he almost bit an unaware Barney ("Like a boss."), tore off the arms of John, and kicked Stephen off. More screaming, more shouting. The only moment of sanity was very brief, and that was when Brandon calmed down only long enough to let me help him blow his nose into tissue paper. ("Right side, honey. Okay, left side now. Good boy.") After that, more chaos ensued. I could go on and on, but just imagine a cloud of dust and stars around seven youngsters (like the ones you see in cartoons) and you pretty much get the picture. The whole time, Aunty Pek See just sat back and enjoyed the show, but also made sure that nothing got out of hand. At some point of the other, we all hit the epic climax:

Brandon loudly spits in the face of Karlyn.

Two words came to mind when I saw that happen: Oh, hell.

Karlyn looked down and gravely wiped the spit off her with one hand, letting her hair fall around her face. None of us could see the initial expression that passed over her face, but when she looked up... she wore the darkest look any of us have ever saw her in. Brandon was Dead Meat. We all watched in pure horror as she raised one hand towards the ceiling and let it travel in one swift, painful motion at Brandon's head. I snapped and reached out towards a defenseless Brandon and a dangerous Karlyn, "BRANDON, DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR LIMITS? KARLYN, STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT." Everyone else started crying out in protest too, mostly because the more Karlyn whacked him, the more Brandon buckled and clambered and made all our jobs harder. Brandon breathed heavily, tiredness finally getting the better of him.

Eventually:

Brandon, feeling defeated, sits gloomily at the back of the car in between Stephen and John while I drive to HCC, his church. (His reaction when he realized: "YOU'RE TAKING ME TO CHURCH? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CHOSE IT OVER A CLUB!") Karlyn and Barney followed behind in a separate car. Soon, we find ourselves in Petaling Jaya where his church is. We bring him up to see his friends, but we weren't done with him yet. Blindfolded, we all laid hands on him and prayed. At the action of his blindfold undone and the word of "amen", I smack a paper plate of whip cream on his face. I screamed and ducked when he jumped out of his chair. He misses me and heads straight towards Karlyn who was- whoop-dee-doo -holding his birthday cake. The cake, 18 candles and all, falls flat on the ground when Brandon attacked Karlyn. :(

We all had to clean up the war-torn path in the church later, of course. I also had to clean up the war-torn Brandon with hand soap and water from the church's wash basin at the back. (He had whip cream in his ear, ugh.) Like a destructive tornado through a quiet town, we exited the church as soon as we entered it, letting the members go back to their original activities. (Thank you for having us, guys! We're sorry we made such a mess.)

Later, Stephen takes over the car and we all head towards Delicious at Jalan Tun Razak where a live band was playing. :) We wash up, change out of our dirty, sweaty clothes and join the Chai family for Brandon's 18th birthday dinner, which was so good. Aunty Pek See wasn't kidding at all when she said, "Save your tummies for dessert." She ordered nine, different plates of dessert for all of us to share after our main courses. I end up eating the last of it, as punishment for not getting one of the hundred jokes everyone took turns cracking. (Johnny whoop, whoop your butt la.) After the ruckus we kicked up in church, Brandon finally lightened up and let himself enjoy the evening. Family, friends, food- it's hard for any birthday to go wrong when you put all three together. We celebrated his 18th birthday up until midnight.

On the way back to our side of town, Brandon explains his behavior earlier: "The reason why I fought back so crazily just now was because no one has ever been able to sabo me successfully on my birthday before. I didn't want my 18th to be any different. I have been behind almost all of my friends' birthday sabos and almost all of them has been successful, but no one has been able to touch me on my birthday. Until now. It's got mostly to do with my pride."

To which Karlyn replied, "You mean your big, fat ego. But you did enjoy yourself, right? I mean, even after we finally, successfully got back at you on your birthday today. Besides, I bet if none of us tried to sabo you, you'd probably end up depressed because nobody bothered to pay any attention to you on your big day. See how well your birthday turned out to be in the end all because we showed we care?"

In short (after going on and on this whole time, lulz. I think I'm compensating for the lack of his birthday pictures, or something. I usually have an album every year), BLESSED BELATED 18TH BIRTHDAY, BRANDON. WE LOVE YOU, which is why we went through so much trouble to make your night a special one for you. (Not like you made it any easier for us, ugh. You and your ego. Such an inconvenient trait to actuate at that time.) I hope you enjoyed it (OR I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF A PAIN YOU WERE? NO MORE OF THAT NEXT YEAR, YOU HEAR ME?) I doubt you'd ever read till the end of this post, 'cause I know how much you dislike reading. That's alright, I have my other ways to show you my sisterly loving. :) Hugs, kisses- all that jazz. (I feel sticky.) Peace out!

* * *

B's 17th birthday last year, which caused a lot less aches and bruises.

Only for you, Brandon, my (figuratively) smelly, little munchkin.

Dancing To This 4/4 Beat.

2011-05-24T19:38:00.017+08:00

I came apart inside a world made of angry people

I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over my feet
Like bricks underwater

- Oxygen, Colbie Caillat.

* * *

Day 5. A picture of your favorite memory.

My First Love?

It's not my most favorite memory, or whatever. I have a million favorite memories, and even I'm still unsure if this is one of them. I chose it for this challenge anyway, because I thought it was surely worth some cherishing. :)

. . .

The thing about first love is that it can only ever be felt once.

It was five years ago, when I was thirteen and he was fifteen. And then three years later (or two years ago) when I was sixteen, I wrote this:

He was the "First Love" that never actually happened. In explanation, he was never my boyfriend, nor was I ever his girlfriend. We were ... somewhere, but not quite there. That kind of thing, you know? We were simply too young to enter into a relationship with each other- we had agreed on at least that much... (read more.)

Baby, I Know What To Do.

2011-05-22T23:45:00.026+08:00

Baby, I will love you.

So won't you be my honey bee?
Giving me kisses all the time.
Be mine, be my Valentine.

- Valentine, Kina Grannis.

Just when I thought I finally got that song out of my head last week, this Crystal Cha goes and makes a cover of it (click here!) ... and now I'm back on square one, humming and singing it to myself all. day. long.

* * *

Yesterday,

I skipped out of the salon looking like this:

Wind in my hair for the added effect, yo.

* * *

On tonight:

It's ridiculous, how Ashley has been living a ten to fifteen-minute jog away from me all this time, but I still never see her. It was a different case tonight though. Out of pure spontaneity, I called her up and told her that I was sprinting over, literally. She was studying for exams, but she was excited to have me over. Shortly after that call, I showed up all sweaty at her front door step, but she pulled me in for one of her big hugs even though she had just took a bath before I came.

I spent a good fifteen minutes of quality time with her before I had to go again. (I had curfew!) But in that short time we managed to talk about our boyfriends, our schools, about how Sean is back from Canada for the summer and we have yet to meet up with him, about how we need to have sleepover after her vacation in Thailand, etc. We even got to take pictures in between! I often wonder how we girls seamlessly pull off things like these, really. It's like some amazing stunt.

It was nice to see each other again, even if for a short while. I've missed her way more than I thought I have, you know? There has to be a reason why we're friends till now, despite our colorful history since we were 10 years old. (Man, we could go on for hours about our childhood.) We're definitely going to meet up again, and this time it isn't going to take us another three months until we do! Hopefully, that is, now that we have a girls night out + slumber party in the plans. :)

So No Curry Puffs For Me?

2011-05-19T16:20:00.032+08:00

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.

I have gained one kilogram! :( Serves me right. Instead of training in the dojo, I now spend my Thursday evenings wearing my nerdy thick, black-framed glasses, reading Shakespearean tragedies, and eating fried radish cake. (When I say it like that, I only feel 100 times worse about myself.) I really should start retraining in June, especially if I want to earn another belt before the end of the year. Kenshu, here I come!

But now that it's still a Thursday in May. . . lo bak ko, anyone? ;)

* * *

In older news-

Dinosaur dyed my hair brown-red! Nobody can see the difference though, oddly enough. Maybe it's because my natural hair has always been brown, and the red is only noticeable under direct sunlight.

In any case, I like it. :) (I better, he made sure every strand of hair on my head was dyed evenly. It took him more than an hour before he finally let me off.)

* * *

To all the Blazing Aces teams:

You people are absolutely, positively insane to compete every other Sunday afternoon under the blazing, hot sun! Don't take the name so literally, man. Ever heard of heat exhaustion? It's when the body becomes too hot (in all the wrong ways.) Symptoms include: heavy sweating, rapid breathing, a fast, weak pulse and even confusion (!!!)

Or in short, you become loud and delirious like them:

Thanks for taking away my umbrella from me, guys.

Yeah, no, really.

* * *

More pictures taken in the park:

I love . . .

Paper airplanes!

Prototype of the ol' Gloster G.40, lol.

. . .

The dinosaur who makes paper airplanes for me.

T-Rex playing football without shoes on.

. . .

And the color purple. :)

Karlyn's nails, which are in the same color as my paper plane!

* * *

Plans for the rest of the evening:

Talk to my cousin sister on Skype, write out report, eat dinner, get a haircut, and go to the OUG night market for my lo bak ko... all while it's raining, which is the first time in the longest time! (Hopefully it would've settled down into drizzling when I go to the night market.) Yay!

I might even add snuggling up with the cat on the list, or the dinosaur. ;)

Precious Ones In His Sight.

2011-05-18T09:31:00.082+08:00

Cambodia was incredible! Thank God. :)

The biggest challenge for the entire missions team was probably the language barrier between us and them. Like how on the first evening, after we ordered our dinner at a coffee shop, we looked at each other and laughed, "Well, it would be interesting to see what dinner would turn out to be." But we were so hungry then, if they had served us fried crickets instead of fried chicken, I think we would eat 'em anyway.

We found our ways around it after that, thankfully with the help of translators and sign languages. It wasn't too impossible. :) Through prayer, praise & worship, arts & crafts, fun & games, and Bible storytelling, we ministered to the children in villages. It's like we brought church to them. And every time a child gave up his or her life to Jesus, the Holy Spirit's presence would fill the place with so much being.

The last day was our time to rest and relax! Two words: shopping, eating. Karlyn and I couldn't catch up on sleep even then, because the adults were still all for waking up at six o'clock in the early morning (!!!!!) so that we could tour the city of Phnom Penh without the afternoon sun. I cried. Inwardly. I was appeased with a plate of stuffed baguette later on though, yay. (I think we're fatter from all the baguettes.)

All in all, it was an amazing trip! Everyday was an adventure. I definitely want to return to Cambodia for missions trip again someday- with Karlyn, if possible, whom I've somehow grown to love doubly as much as I did while we over there. (I actually said something remotely affectionate. Aiyee.) In all honesty, she has turned out to be one of those friends I like to thank God for. We've come some distance, eh? :)

I'd show you pictures of our adventures in Cambodia, but I have yet to sort out a collection of about 2,000 pictures. ...That's going to have to wait, sorry.

Oh, but I can leave you with this:

Little Cambodian Village Girl says "sua s'dei!"

Till my next post, have an awesome Wednesday, everyone!

Of Rainbows & Starry Eyes.

2011-05-11T12:57:00.026+08:00

Goodness.

I haven't signed into my own blogger account in so long, that I spent a solid ten minutes stoning in front of the computer screen trying to remember the password to enter.

* * *

Hi, I'm back from one end of the world to the other.

I know, I'm sorry about the disappointing lack of updates lately. I have been going through one of those teen-aged phases where one feels as if one's world has been forcefully tilted to one side, spilling all its contents. Worldwide crisis or not, however, life has to go on... and that's what has been happening the whole time I've been absent. Life has been going on.

* * *

I spent the Easter weekend in Malacca with the Looi clan. It was an even bigger turn up than all the previous Chinese New Years, but hey- that's hardly surprising, since the actual reason why we all reunited as one, big family unit was because our (my cousins and my) grandmother passed away on the Saturday in between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. (Such timing.) Easter Sunday service for all of us this year was a memorial service on the front porch of the house.

I have never spent Easter in such a grim, implacable environment before... But as Karlyn had mentioned in her text to me that Sunday morning, it could have been a good opportunity to appreciate our lives even more- "the one He died for us for."

Chinese New Year 2010.

I hope Ma Ma and Ye Ye are both in heaven now.

* * *

"What are you doing here?"

Why don't you ask my parents that instead? I'd like to see what they have to say to you.

* * *

Off to Cambodia for missions trip tomorrow! I'm pretty excited. :) I have deliberately not worn my favorite clothes the last few days, so that I won't risk having them stuck in the wash and not being able to pack them with me. (What? Don't tell me you don't do that before a big adventure, too.) I'm going (and packing my backpack) with great expectations.

* * *

To Dinosaur:

I'm starting to pick up the most random Hokkien things from you, like "hamisu?" I am not Hokkien at all, stop it! Pai kiaaa.

ILY, noob.

Put The Art In My Heart.

2011-04-20T00:18:00.013+08:00

I want a library full of our stories

A ship to keep our memories afloat
I wanna hit rewind
Playback a hundred times
The moment when our hearts aligned.

- Offbeat, Clara C.

* * *

A muse:

On the night of New Year's Eve's Eve, Angela and I made ourselves comfortable on a stone bench that overlooked the rising tides of the sea. We kicked off our flip-flops and folded our legs over the cool concrete, ready for a session of girl-speak, which naturally included the subject of boys. But when it comes to Angela and I, it's not just about boys in general, but two boys in particular- our crushes.

Sydney and Li Xuan joined in our conversation later, adding to the girlish feeling in the salty air. We learned more about each others' love lives, and our conversation enlarged to make room for two more boys in particular- a boyfriend and an ex-boyfriend. We teared, laughed, and poured out the same thoughts we used to keep to ourselves. It's nothing short of amazing, this fine art of girl-speak. :)

Like every other girl knows, girl-speak can adopt an unpredictable pattern. Midway into the conversation, the four us moved on to the topic of Twilight (of all things!) It might have started with Li Xuan when she mentioned how the movie was such a poor adaption of the book, and how weird it was that Jacob imprinted on Bella's baby in the story. We had to put a hold on the last topic to totally agree on that.

And from there, Angela said, "Still, wouldn't it be so much easier if we all could "imprint" like Jacob? Then we wouldn't have to bother with all the other boys, because we'll know our Ones when we meet "him". And when we do, we would be absolutely certain of "him". It would save us so much trouble, like heartbreaks, break ups and all that. All we'd have to do is just wait until we imprint on someone."

Then I said, "Maybe we all do have something like that. I mean, not "imprint" exactly, but..." - I was struggling to explain this mumbo-jumbo that Stephenie Meyer had no problem with- "...that sort-of inbuilt sensor that sounds when we detect The One? It's just that when we get too impatient, it would go off needlessly- confusing us, distracting us ... only to find in the end it was a false alarm."

"Yeah..." Sydney spoke up, contemplatively, "I believe God set aside a special person for each of us. Maybe that certain feeling comes from Him when He sees it's time for us to know: "This is The Guy!" For all we know, we already know the guys we're meant to be with, just that we don't know that we're meant to be with them because we aren't ready to know it yet. We just have to wait til we are; be patient."

We talked some more, tilted our heads back to face the sky (from all the weight of our thoughts, lulz) and tried to make sense of things. In the end, it was time for an evening service, so we got up, put our flip-flops back on, dusted the back of our shorts, and left behind our year's worth of boy troubles on the stone benches we sat on by the sea. We only took along one thing, the unanswered question: Who?

Like Morning In Her Eyes.

2011-04-06T14:39:00.033+08:00

And now the night
Will throw its cover down
On me again
Oh, and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back

Hoo, hoo, hoo...
To you.

- Sunrise, Norah Jones.

* * *

Day 4. A picture of your favorite night.

Fairly recently?

The night we went to Jonker Street together.

Angela, Elizabeth, Grace, Jaryl, Karlyn, Matthew, Ryan, Samuel (yes, I did arrange your names in alphabetical order) and I went to Ayer Keroh for our W.H.A.M. retreat last December. It was a two-days/one-night thing, and I remember how nighttime was my favorite part of our stay because that was when we pigged out and shopped around Malacca Town the most, especially inside the famous Jonker Street.

I've been to Jonker Street many times before, but exploring it with them crazies was the best experience I've had there, ever. :)

Till We See The Sunlight.

2011-04-05T23:50:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: Rant post ahead. Don't read if easily offended, or whatever.

/Start of rant post./

Mein herr, you are too full of yourself.

I put in a lot of effort to be civil towards you- even nice, when the opportunity arises- so when you shove it back to my face, it sure as hell is very demoralizing. It makes me want to drop all I've been doing and treat you the same way- like cow dung. Then maybe, maybe you'd learn a little bit about how much patience and strength it takes to co-exist with a person like yourself.

But that's the thing, I don't ever want to become anything like you. Not like that, anyway. And yes, I'm fully aware that you aren't paid to "be nice" to me, but distinctly resenting me free of charge without any given reason? It does say a lot about you. Truth be told, though, the harder you make life for me, the easier you also make it for me to think less of you as a decent person.

No, not much purpose to this post except to vent out. I am frustrated, angry, and even sad, but what the hell? I have been about this for some time now, so what is a little while more. I've not had that many enemies in life, and I've befriended all the ones that ever were (I've even grown to love one in particular.) but even that feels like such a far-fetched thing to hope for both of us.

If there's anything I hope for, well, I hope that you would be a much happier person... Or more secure, more at peace, more confident- whatever it is. Then maybe you would be so distracted with yourself, you would leave me alone and not disturb my own happiness. Til then, it would be very much duly appreciated if you got your act straight. Otherwise, well, it would be a shame.

You'll grow into a fat, old and ugly geezer.

/End of rant post./

In other news, I'm doin' just fine.

Now, Let's Gather Around.

2011-04-02T00:55:00.002+08:00

Day 3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Furuba.

FRUITS BASKET CHARACTERS COS-PLAYING AS THE CAST OF INUYASHA?!

Help, this picture is too damn awesome.

When The Stars Burn Out.

2011-04-01T00:00:00.005+08:00

I've been beaten down

I've been kicked around
But she takes it all for me
And I lost my faith
In my darkest days
But she makes me want to believe.

- She Is Love, Parachute.

* * *

Day 2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

Mama.

(I'm not in the photo with her cos I took it! That has to count for somethin'.)

Nobody knows me longer or better than her, who has been nurturing and loving me my whole, entire life. (Res-pect, okay.) She's always made me feel loved and accepted for who I am, even when "who I am" is a horribly stubborn two-year-old who refuses to change out of her pajamas, a thirteen-year-old with self-esteem issues, or an eighteen-year-old with a temper that often seems to pertain with the climate.

Whenever someone tells me I'm growing up to look just like my mother, I beam with pride. I think she's one of the most beautiful women on the planet. I don't mean only on the outside, but in the inside too. When I grow up, I also want to be the kind of mother she is to me- a mother who raises me up in the Word of God, makes sure I come back home every night, laughs/sighs heavily at my funny/lame stories...-

The list could go on and on. Point is, I hope to be as wonderful as she. We may have our fights, arguments, and all the nightmarish things in between, but at the end of every day, we belong. She is my mama, I am her bebe. I really, really thank God for giving a mother like her to a daughter like me, because she's one in a million. She often calls me her dearest firstborn, and you know what? I love that I am, cos I love her. ♥

Like A Chocolate Muffin.

2011-03-28T23:01:00.002+08:00

A new addition to the Looi family, at two-months-old:

Ang cute mo naman!

His name is Theodore Roosevelt, named after a historical figure like how Zach, our fat pussycat, was named after Niccolò Machiavelli (except, as you can see, we changed the "M" to a "Z".) We call this little guy Teddy for short. He kinda does look like a teddy bear, doesn't he? :)

A Cello Lying In Its Case.

2011-03-21T13:52:00.019+08:00

Soon she's down the stairs

Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up.
- Her Morning Elegance, Oren Lavie.

It's been one of my favorite songs ever since Rachel introduced it to me when we were 15 years old (or were we 16?) You should listen to the entire song + watch the music video. It's worth it. :)

* * *

You wronged me and now you're the one whose feelings are hurt?

I'm not buying it.

* * *

I've only done Day One, and I already feel as if this whole 30-day challenge thing could be getting in the way of my natural self-expressive processes (?)

Since when have I ever used a sort-of schedule to write about stuff in here? It's like, now when I want to write about someone I miss, I notice that there's already a topic about that in the list (all the way down in the Day 30, man) and tell myself that I'll just wait to do the first 29 Days before getting to it instead of, well, getting to it now, when the moment is ripe.

Or perhaps this is just psychological.

* * *

I'm itching to take pictures! It's been too long.

The last photo-shoot I had was with Delaney, and that could be written off as slavery. Firstly, she didn't let me go to sleep, even though it was already 4 or 5 in the ungodly, wee hours of the morning. I was practically crawling on my hands and knees to move around by then. Secondly, she kept threatening physical abuse at me. She'd be like, "Eh! Get thy ass up, Lerry Berry, or I shall spank-eth thee!" or something to that effect. And lastly but not least, the whole thing was free of charge.

See? Slave labor.

(I'm kidding, Delly-poo. I had fun with you that night. :) The sleep deprivation shows on my I.C. now though, considering how I only slept for two hours in your house the morning before I had to get my new MyKard done. Win.)

* * *

It's a sunny, Monday afternoon. I've written out all my important plans for today and the next four weekdays in blue and purple ink, but sitting here and typing this isn't exactly following any of it. Off to the library now, bye!

Oh, and have a great week ahead, all of you. ;)

Little Light, Please Stay.

2011-03-15T12:39:00.007+08:00

. . . don't stray.

Help me to tolerate myself
Myself
Myself
'Cause I feel so vain.

- Little Light, Clara C & Sam Ock.

* * *

Day 1. A picture of yourself with ten facts.

Yours truly.

. . .

1. I am not a morning person.

2. Sometimes, I wiggle my toes when I'm bored or excited.

3. I had neon purple nails for the weekend, which took me hours to finish painting because I'm very, very fussy like that. Brandon just had to smudge one of my freshly painted toenails during Youth CG last Friday night. I nearly killed him in between our reading of Proverbs, chapter 2.

4. Apparently, I look like a pissed off Jigglypuff when I am, well, pissed off.

5. "Cuppy Cake" drives my boyfriend up the wall. I sing it to irritate him. :)

You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie Pie
You're my Cuppycake, Gumdrop
Snoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my Eye

I am so dead.

6. I use my bolster as a massive sleeping eye mask sometimes. It does help.

7. I still have a scar on my toe from The Handstand Accident we all know of.

8. I can't tell if the recent addition of 2kg to my weight is from muscle or fat. :( In any case, I suppose it won't hurt to work-out some more. Grading Day at the end of this month for me anyway. Belt upgrade!

9. My mother tells me that, unlike normal babies whose names gets chosen out of some baby names book, mine was out of a phone book. Classy.

"If it makes any difference, it was a Spanish phone directory."

10. My name is Lerida, and this was 10 stochastic facts about me. :) (No, I'm not sure if I used the word "stochastic" in proper context, but that was me trying to avoid using the overused word "random.")

* * *

Out to lunch with the dinosaur now. Adieu!

Seek Refuge & Strength.

2011-03-13T22:50:00.023+08:00

The Great Wave of Kanagawa, Katsushika Hokusai.

* * *

Well,

I think we all more or less know about the 8.9 magnitude earthquake + tsunami that hit Japan last Friday- the strongest in 140 years of Japan's long history. It can also be known as the quake that has caused 10,000 (and counting) people in Miyagi prefecture alone to lose their lives. And as the numbers climb higher, the bigger of a devastation will the rest of the world call it.

What an aftermath. I thought about it while playing Doodle Train, and as my choo-choo train successfully arrived at its designated station, so did I arrive to the question: "Does the real devastation lie in the stats?" No, not really. We may sharply inhale at the sight of "10,000+", but at the same time and in a different place, a kindred mourns for their lost kin.

The real devastation doesn't actually lie in how many people have passed away, but who these people once were. Every single one of them must have held a special place in someone's heart, as a father, a mother, a daughter, a son, a husband, a wife, etc. The real devastation is found in the hearts of those suffering from their sudden loss. It is found in the uncountable living.

It is them we should extend our aid and our prayers to. Things aren't looking too bright for Japan, so now would be the best time to pray especially for the victims (a.k.a. the brave survivors) of the quake and for the safety of those who are preparing for even more trouble. Despite all the aggrieving news, I have a small feeling that something great is going to happen from all this.

Because the God of the good times is still God in the bad times.

What 30-Day Challenge?

2011-03-11T18:31:00.018+08:00

A picture of yourself with 10 facts
A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
A picture of the cast from your favorite show
A picture of your favorite night
A picture of your favorite memory
A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
A picture of your most treasured item
A picture that makes you laugh
A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with
A picture of something you hate
A picture of something you love
A picture of your favorite band or artist
A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
A picture of something you want to do before you die
A picture of someone who inspires you
A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
A picture of your biggest insecurity
A picture and a letter
A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
A picture of something you wish you could forget
A picture of something you wish you were better at
A picture of your favorite book
A picture of something you wish you could change
A picture of your favorite day
A picture of something that means a lot to you
A picture of yourself and a family member
A picture of something you're afraid of
A picture that can always make you smile
A picture of someone you miss

You Could Be The Thief.

2011-03-01T00:21:00.003+08:00

. . . I give the key to.

* * *

His name on my hand, my name on his hand.

* * *

Bridge:

It fits in your hand like water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you

- The Thief, Brooke Fraser.

You're Deciphering Me.

2011-02-22T00:41:00.090+08:00

Oh can you feel the gravity falling, calling us home?
Oh, did you see the stars colliding, shining just to show we belong?
We belong.

- Deciphering Me, Brooke Fraser.

. . .

I had a dream of Ziggy last night.

To be more specific, I had a dream that I was with you. I had a dream that my soul was touring the earth with yours, and sometimes, my soul was your soul because such is the nature of dreams- liable to unpredictable changes, most of which cannot be explained.

In my dreams, I saw you standing at the back of the room where your memorial was being held. You were in the same clothes I last saw you in- sweater, jeans and sneakers. I walked up to you as if it was so normal to see you, the spirit that once belonged to the body in the coffin up front, hanging around your own memorial. "Kuya, ano ang ginagawa mo dito?" I asked. You smiled at me and said, "Waiting for you."

Before I could ask you why, I heard our abuela call me by the name she gave me when I was born. I turned around to respond to her, like a courteous granddaughter ought to, but when I did, the whole room disappeared in front of my eyes and turned into darkness. I gasped and jumped back, startled. Everything was gone. Everyone was gone. I turned back to where I last saw you, and you were still there.

You stared at me and I stared back at you. "Any explanation?" I asked. "None," you admitted, "I was a student of science, but all this is outside my knowledge." You stretch out your hand to me and I slip mine into it, trusting you mostly because there wasn't anything else I knew to do in this blackness. You were the only one I could see, even in the absence of light. You squeeze my hand and the scene changes again.

We were in a bedroom. And, for some reason, we were hovering over it with our backs towards the ceiling, having a bird's eye view of the space. The door creaks open and we both notice Sophia, the cat, toddle into the room, her long, slim shadow trailing after her fluffy body. It was then when I noticed how everything inside the bedroom had shadows, except us. We see your mother walk in and I hear you gasp, "Mama..."

She does not hear you. I put my arm over your shoulder, and all of a sudden my vision shifts and I was seeing exactly what you were seeing and feeling exactly what you were feeling. Did I just become you? I could feel myself yearn to nuzzle my face in her hair. I longed to become a baby all over again and be cradled by her. I see her close the door behind her and begin to sob heavily for her invaluable loss, you.

My vision shifts and we revert back to two individuals. When I turned to look at you to make sure of that, I saw you reaching out both your arms towards her. A gentle but insistent wind blows against us though, pushing us off to other parts of the house and toppling over consolatory cards along the way. One by one, we see our family members walking around different parts of the house, bereaving in their own way.

We linger in every room each of them were in, allowed to see but not to touch. And every time, you want to say the same thing: "I'll be fine, I'll be fine. There's life after death." but no one ever hears you. We get pulled out of the house by some gentle force. I take your hand, like how I used to when I was six and you were eleven, not wanting to be separated from you yet. We go to more places, see more people.

We even see every one of your grandparents- all four of them still alive, two of which we share. The last grandparent we visited was our grandfather. He was lying down on his bed in the old house back at Pilar, Bataan. The television blares some trite program as our abuelo glares quietly at it. "You know there's a saying in Cantonese," I whispered to you, "The white-haired sends off the black-haired." You don't reply me.

You walk towards him slowly, a little worried we might involuntarily travel elsewhere before you can touch him. You were one step away from him when you stopped. He does not see you, so he stares ahead at the television. I watch you massage his paralyzed legs, kiss him on his cheek, and say, "Isang araw, Lolo." You took a step back, looked at me and said, "We're almost done." We walk out the bedroom doors and-

San Francisco. Back to where it ended for you in body; back to where it began for us as spirits. It was a drizzly and foggy night. We stand at the side of the road sharing an umbrella, watching cars drive by on wet, slippery roads. "I like the sound it makes, when a car runs over a puddle." I say to you. You laugh fondly and say, "Come on, Lerry." We end up on your old campus, USF, and sit down together on a bench.

We held a conversation throughout the next hour or two, talking about the people in our lives, pointing out different pedestrians, and reminiscing what used to be. We looked up at the sky but there were no stars to be seen because the city lights down here were too bright. Finally, I say, "It's getting late." You nudged me lightly and teased, "Want me to leave already?" I faced you fiercely to say, "That's not funny."

You hold my face in your hands and say, "I had to, eventually." I was quizzical at your grammar at first, until I realized you had moved on to a deeper topic. I sigh and say, "I know." You let go of my face, looked around you and said to me, "My home isn't here anymore. It's up there, you know?" I stretch my legs out in front of me, playfully scuff your sneaker with my own and said, "Yeah, I know what you mean, Kuya."

We both get up on our feet, you pass the handle of the umbrella to me and use your freed arms to hug me. I close my eyes and when I open them again, we are at Pacifica where I last saw you in flesh in real life. Still embracing me, you say, "I will see you again soon, okay?" and ruffle my hair before letting me go. "Okay," I say. White, bright light enters abruptly through streetlights, then fade off as if nothing happened.

But something did happen. You left. I stand there with an umbrella in hand, staring at the empty ground where you once stood. In earnest, I look up at the skies and thought, "He will be well taken care of." I set across the wide, damp street, looking for signs of real life, and-

I woke up.

Musing Lazily On Love.

2011-02-21T16:17:00.068+08:00

. . . pondering you.

* * *

I pulled out all the petals of my pink, V-day rose for this picture.

. . .

Bridge:

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name.
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again.
And like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
Neither should I rush my way into your heart.

- Love is Waiting, Brooke Fraser.

Building Up A Kingdom.

2011-02-17T20:32:00.001+08:00

I miss VBS 2010.

. . .

I drove by BCM earlier today, and-

I remembered how there was one day during VBS 2010 when we spent an afternoon getting at each other with buckets of water, fully clothed. I also remembered being picked up, kicking and screaming, and carried by you monsters to be thrown into a giant basin of water in the corner of the basketball court in BCM. I got up laughing, grabbing the water hose and firing it at all of you perpetrators; friends.

We later spent an hour out of the long afternoon lying on blankets that we've laid over trimmed grass and beneath shady trees that could be older than us teenagers. It was the perfect way to try and dry ourselves off, stretching out under the beating heat of the sun. Angela's legs over my tummy, my head on Grace's legs, and Grace's hands playing with my button nose. We were in a pretty comfortable tangle.

Somewhere in between that idling session with my friends (all W.H.A.M. members too, save for Brandon and Joshua), I felt specially grateful that I was pressed on to volunteer for yet another year of VBS, despite my grand show of reluctance at first. If I hadn't, I'd have missed out on so much good stuff, like growing closer with my friends, some of whom I've attended VBS with when we were still lil' children ourselves!

I have a feeling He was behind all of this, especially the fun. :)

On St. Valentine's Day.

2011-02-14T23:59:00.061+08:00

The result of boredom.

. . .

Just a simple thought:

I've always kind of believed that St. Valentine's Day existed more for a commercial purpose (for big shot companies like Hallmark, Memory Lane, etc. to rake in a little extra cash from) than for a significant reason. And it's not even a real holiday, seeing how so many of us still have to go to work or school on February 14. Because I thought of Valentine's Day like this, I treated it the same way every year: no big deal.

Over the previous V-Days, I have had Valentine cards, chocolates, and roses, but funnily enough, never an actual Valentine person. No, it isn't because I've rejected every single request made to be anyone's Valentine, but simply because no one has ever asked me straight-out before (so I couldn't gleefully turn a guy down even if I wanted to, sadly.) This Valentine's, however, was a little more different than the rest. :)

It was on the strike of February 14's midnight when I got a text message from Karlyn, saying: "Happy Valentine's! It's all about celebrating love, right? Not the cheesy, corny type... This is the real squishy, can't-live-without me one. So be my Valentine?" With a seamless proposal like that, I accepted. (Pfttt!) We then celebrated our squishy-love with a couple more comical text messages before going off to dreamland.

I spent the rest of the day like an ordinary Monday- up until evening, that is. Dinosaur (of the tyrannosaurus variety) took me out for dinner. :) By the end of it, I figured even though V-day may be a commercialized day, it can also be a significant one when you have someone ready and willing to make it a special experience for you- and so can any other day, actually. (Thanks, Dino, for having been that someone to me.)

. . .

PS. Karlyn, you're still my number one Valentine! ;) xo.

For My Favorite T-Rex:

2011-02-07T00:50:00.004+08:00

In reply to the sticky note you left behind for me. :)

Good night.

The Year Of The Rabbit.

2011-02-06T23:33:00.006+08:00

Gong hei fatt choi!

Chinese New Year with the Looi family this year wasn't nearly as exciting as all the other ones in previous years, especially that year when one of our aunts got drunk and started giving money away generously for the rest of the night. (Happy Chinese New Year, indeed.) Chinese New Year is only really Chinese New Year with its traditional, family reunion dinner, so all of us who could make it this year, made it. So, CNY 2011 is still CNY for me.

The house back in Malacca feels so big and sad and empty with so many of our family members away overseas- in Thailand, Australia, the States, and Heaven (I'd like to think.) It's strange, not having a dozen other cousins to fight over one TV remote control with. There wasn't any illegal firecrackers or fireworks for us to play with this year either. Talk about "blah." We did have sky lanterns, but we decided to watch TV uninterrupted instead.

But as every Chinese person knows, Chinese New Year is a festivity of fifteen days! So I didn't feel too dispirited when the first two days of CNY went by uneventfully for me, because I knew I still had another thirteen days to go. True enough, I struck the "mother-load" (as Delaney puts it.) on choi sam, the third day, of CNY. (A quick thank you to Karlyn for dragging me out of the house on this auspicious day, despite my disinclination at first.)

With Ashley and her family, we spent the day visiting Open Houses of our church members (7 or 8 in total. I lost count, even though I was the one doing all the driving. Also, thank you Ashley for letting me use your car!) eating, talking, laughing, singing, playing, and of course, collecting ang paus! It was a really different way of spending Chinese New Year for me, being back in KL from Malacca earlier than usual and all, and I absolutely enjoyed it!

The day came to an end for me with the GBF's and his family. (O Karlyn, he had a lot of married relatives. *Hint, hint.*) It was the last house I visited for the day, but without Karlyn and Ashley with me this time. I took it as an opportune time to lean back on him and wind down from the longest day of CNY I've had so far. I ended up feeling cold and feverish, but he fed me red bean soup, so it's all good, people. All systems are still to go.

Overall, it was a prosperous and joyous day. :) Gong hei, gong hei.

With love,

Yeah, we are who we are. ;)

A Black Rose On A Ring.

2011-01-24T01:30:00.012+08:00

The Ring.

Brandon went through a whole lot of trouble to get me that ring as a Christmas gift to me, so to show my appreciation for it (and him), I took pictures. :)

* * *

I met up with a few Miss World 2010 candidates recently, the winner and runner-up included. It wasn't life-changing, but it was quite thought-provoking.

I mean, underneath all that overly pleasant smile and laugh (step 1: throw head back, step 2: flick hair back, step 3: clasp hands together, and of course, step 4: laugh with a controlled pitch), ladylike clapping (rule: when applauding, palms cannot distance more than one inch from each other), and make-up has to be a real person, right?

And who is to say all beauty pageants and their queens are always superficial? Most contestants want world peace, which is a good thing to want. (Impossible til Christ comes, but it's the thought that counts.) I got to talk to Miss Malaysia of 2009 and 2010, and they seem genuinely nice. It's enough to make me want to rethink things.

Also, Steph and Karl did nothing the whole time except ooh and aah at Alexandria Mills, Miss USA 2010. Losers, I did more. It's called work. *Mumbles.*

* * *

I was in KLIA just now for Jaryl's departure.

Also-

Seriously, I have the craziest friends in the world (and to allow myself a very quick moment of sentimentality, I'm going to admit that I love you all to bits even though you all embarrass me like, so much. ... Toot banana, toot toot banana ring any bells?) One day, we'll look back at us, facepalm.gif so damn hard, and laugh our asses off.

I like how we have this whole unity thing going on. Whenever one of us has a bright idea, the rest of us are often in it too. (Usually with a lot of threatening, esp. if it's Grace, but still.) By bright ideas, I mean stacking ourselves into luggage carts and zooming around the airport, monkeying in the playground, singing and dancing in public...-

BANANAS OF THE WORLD, UNITE.

PS. I'm missing one fellow banana already! :(

* * *

MNMK. You're the best non-extinct dinosaur in the whole world. Thank you for sending me and my friends to and fro KLIA. We really, really appreciate you. ;)

Don't growl too loudly in your sleep tonight.

We've Had A Good Year.

2011-01-16T14:00:00.013+08:00

. . . now let's have another one. :)

* * *

I know it has already been sixteen days since, but...

HAPPY NEW YEAR ANYWAY.

So, I think it would be fair to say that all of us who attended Vineyard Church's annual Watch Night Camp '10 in Golden Sands, PD had fun. We entered into the new year of '11 together with our God, families and friends- what's not to love? (Yes, yes. PD's waters aren't exactly the most sanitary, etc. but let's remain grateful here.) Some of the girls have said that they wished it was the next Watch Night Camp already, when the year has barely even begun!

* * *

Hi, Jaryl.

If you're reading this, I just want to let you know that I'll seriously miss you when you leave for US next Sunday. You've pretty much always been someone I'd look for every Sunday morning ever since we were little. And whenever I feel someone hit me square on the shoulder, I'd know you've found me first, because you're always that someone. I'll miss that too.

You better miss me more than nasi kandar, okay!

* * *

My unfinished sonnet:

There was life underneath the celestial bodies in the night sky.
She was one of them- running, racing and rushing so fast ahead,
At an odd hour of midnight, when she should be sound asleep in bed.
Three heartbeats a second, three hundred footsteps in a blink of an eye.

. . . that's all I have written so far. Hm.

* * *

I could be wrong, but hear me out: I've noticed that the little girls who ask me nosy questions like, "Jie jieee... Do you have a boyfriend?" are also the little girls of ... um, um ... speculative mothers. I'm not sure if this is a like-mother-like-daughter thing, or if their mothers use their daughters as spies. ... Do I mind? Not really. I like being asked for the truth.

Truth: I don't have a boyfriend, but I do have a crush.

(To aforementioned crush:

I bully you so much, it's no wonder why my status has made no progress.)

* * *

I've more to say, but much more to do.

Here's to making the next 349 days of 2011 count, guys. Cheers. :)

Airplanes In The Night Sky.

2010-12-24T23:50:00.002+08:00

She made her wish, he granted it. One down, two more to go.

* * *

A lot has been happening this month since I last posted. There was Vacation Bible School 2010, celebrating Lolo's 80th birthday and then my real 18th birthday the day after in the Philippines, a photo shoot back here in Malaysia, Yuletide preparations at home and in church, a visit to an orphanage, dinners with the family, parties with friends, etc. etc. and Christmas, the most significant day of the month, hasn't even happened yet.

Speaking of which, Christmas is at the strike of midnight!

* * *

The wound on my right elbow seems to be recovering pretty well. All I have to do is not pick at the scabs (repeat 100 times). I got it during a rough game of Capture the Flag with my friends at the Chai family's dinner party on Tuesday. We were playing it on the quiet street right outside Brandon's house, and just when I was about to snatch the rivaling team's flag, Michelle, a defender, pulled me down onto the tar road.

In the mean time, Brandon, main defender of our flag, ended up lying down on it on the street in his G2000 dress shirt (Yes, most of us were playing in our formal wear. I was in a cocktail dress.) and consequently, got humped and nipple-pinched by Joseph, dispatcher of the rival team, in order to get Brandon to give up the flag. (Man, we're gonna have to make a rule against sexual harassment next time.) Awesome game!

You know, I've recently come to realize that my favorite people to be really childish with are my childhood friends. There's something poetic to that, no? :)

* * *

I finally found the reason for living
It’s in giving every part of my heart to Him (every part to Him)
And all that I do every word that I say (you know I’ll be saying)
I will give all my life just for Him, just for Him (every thing for Him)

- We are the Reason, Avalon.

We, the youth, will be performing a hand mime to this song tomorrow morning in church for Christmas. (Christmas!) We spent three hours straight rehearsing this morning and, man, it's amazing how much improvement an entire team of white gloved hands can make with honest praying and earnest practicing. Good job today, guys. And tomorrow, we'll give it our best for His glorehhh! :) Glory, I mean. It'll be special.

* * *

Plans for today: wrap up Christmas presents with shiny, gold wrapping paper, help Mama cook a Christmas Eve dinner for the family, enjoy the fruits of our labor, and then head over to Samuel's for a Christmas Eve party! ;) Ah, gotta love Christmastime.

Merry Christmas Eve! I love you, Jesus loves you more. :)

Glowing Dim As An Ember.

2010-12-07T13:28:00.069+08:00

Whoa! December, wait for me!

It's only been a week into the month, but so much has already happened.

Two days, one night. Six adult mentors, nine teen-aged pupils. The weekend retreat to Malacca was a good one after all. :) We came back home with loads of embarrassing stories to tell on each other- me "tripping" over an inflatable dolphin (I actually jumped over it with all the agility and grace of a ballerina, thank you very much), Karlyn loudly crashing her head against the sunroof, Grace skidding right into the bushes at 2AM...- I could go on all day, seriously.

We also came back home with shopping from Jonker St. (Thanks Angela and Jaryl for getting the pretty hairbands and earrings for me!), boxes of pineapple tarts, some more responsibilities for Christmas and the upcoming year assigned to us by our mentors, a slightly tighter bond with one another (which I think is so important 'cause we'll be working a lot together from now on), and maybe a little bit more weight from all that eating. (Satay celup! Aiyeee! *Craves.)

Karlyn, Angela, Grace, Elizebeth, Jaryl, Samuel, Matthew, Ryan: see you guys again in VBS tomorrow! We'll be put in an environment of hundreds of screaming kids this time...

It's been great knowing you guys. /Braveface.

All of us met up again in church the morning after we arrived back. I recall wondering why was I already receiving attention for my approaching birthday (which was not till the 14th) from some of my YA friends. In the end, I just ho-hummed at it, enjoyed the attention (eh-heh), and went ahead with my day an hour at a time. It was an ordinary Sunday daytime otherwise- church service in the morning, lunch and family time for the rest of the afternoon.

Later in the evening, my parents tell us, my sister and me, to start getting ready for dinner. It was going to be a special occasion they said, so dress up. I mumbled, "No jeans?" And my mom said, "No, no jeans." I put on a red dress for the night, not knowing how much extraordinary it was just waiting to become. We got into the car at 7.30PM and went all the way to Bangsar just to eat at a restaurant called Smokehouse. (Pronounced: smowkee haws.)

Once we got there, the first thing I did was use the washroom. Ladeedum~ I was taking my own sweet time. My father and sister had gone ahead to our table, so when I came out of the Ladies, the headwaiter showed my mother and me upstairs where we were supposed to dine. He started to make conversation with me, so I obliged- Oh, yes, the traffic coming here was quite alright. Oh, no, the parking was really no trouble at all. ... I was a clueless thing.

I entered the restaurant's second floor and gave the dim, cozy room a sweeping view- a brick chimney, a coffee table with magazines and books atop, a plush couch with throw pillows, lots of framed pictures and mirrors hanging on the walls, oddly arranged tables and chairs (?), cutlery put on display in cabinets and on shelves, black and white tiled floors, a row of windows on the far side of the room, and my friends all squashed up against each other in a corner.

Hold on. My friends all squashed up against each other in a corner???

Next thing I knew, they all came out of that corner and started singing Happy Birthday to me. I felt surprised to see them, then confused to hear them sing happy birthday to me on a December 5 instead of 14, and then really awkward at the fact that I was standing there wide-eyed in front of twenty singing, smiling people. In between the song, I managed to squeeze in "What are you all doing here!?", "But it's not my birthday yet!", and "You guys!"

The few minutes after the song was a blur, honestly. The contents in my head kept spinning as I circulated around the room, thanking and hugging everybody. Brandon once came up to me and said, "Your eyes are so big everyday that I can't even tell if you're surprised now." (Pft.) I rolled said eyes at him, pulled him in for a hug, and thanked him for being there for me. I later find out it was actually him my mom put in charge of organizing the entire surprise.

That night turned out to be close to perfect- if not, then perfect itself. :) Thank you so much Papa, Mama, Lorine, Delaney, Stephen, Mishie, Karlyn, Daniel, Julian, Joshua, Rachel, Grace, Brandon, Samuel, Claudia, Carmen, Elizebeth, Angela, Nicole, Jenn Ming, and Andrew! Extra, extra bounteous thanks and love to my parents!! And most of all, my Father in Heaven!!! (Yes, I am extremely grateful as you can probably tell from my untypical excessive use of exclamation points.) Thank you!!111!111!!1! I was a very happy birthday girl that night!

I couldn't think of a wish to wish for that night, so instead of making one before blowing out my one big candle and eight little ones, I thanked God for all of you instead. :)

I already had all I wanted that Sunday night inside a restaurant.

Thank You, dear Lord, for the perfect weekend of family, friends, and food. (:

Dancing Bears; Painted Wings.

2010-12-01T13:53:00.009+08:00

It's December, baby!

I'm anticipating this month to be of Math/Language Arts, martial arts, artsy-fartsy art (painting, photography, etc.), ministry work, traveling, birthdays, and all things Christmas! :)

...

Do you ever have one of those days, when the little things put together make you one, big happy person? Yesterday was a day especially like that. Ingredients: Mishie, Jon, chicken teppanyaki, art supplies and camera equipment on sale, Rapunzel: A Tangled Tale, rain, rain, rain, Famous Amos, and napping amongst toffee and butter scotch sweet wrappers.

Ah. :D

...

I'm going to Malacca with my Sunday school classmates and teachers for a retreat this Friday to Saturday. I visit Malacca for full-scale family reunions (e.g. Chinese New Year) all the time, so I can pretty much guess what it's going to be like there- weather: sunny, air: sticky and salty. It's a port city after all. Blee. But that aside, it's gonn' be so much funnn... (;

...

Burning down bridges now (scatter the ashes)
Godspeed to all you're after
Is this a life left just to remember
Tell them who you were, who you really were (hey hey!)
Kill yourself slowly over time, fashion statement suicide
She's still asleep in a Chelsea hotel
Bad turns to worse, and the worst turns into hell

- Godspeed, Anberlin.

There's nothing to this. I just like the song.

...

Heading out to Mid Valley to catch a movie with Michelle, Jonathan, Jaryl, Karlyn, and Ashley now! Have a great December, guys, wherever you are in the world right now. And for those of you who'll be experiencing a white Christmas, don't forget to make snow angels, take pictures, and post them up on Facebook! I love snow angels.

'Til another post, bye!

On The Last Thursday.

2010-11-25T00:00:00.009+08:00

My sister in Modesto, California last year.

In the States, the last Thursday of November is always Thanksgiving. Last year, I celebrated it with my aunt's family and my family (which, really, equates to one, big family) in Modesto. I remember how Ziggy wasn't around for Thanksgiving dinner with us, but came back from San Francisco for breakfast the morning after.

I wonder what spurs the memory of him now. The fact that it's this year's November's last Thursday? Maybe. I'm remembering the most random things about us- the little conversations, the big ones, and all else in between. Knowing that I won't be having any more of them with him in this life makes me appreciate them some more.

I once asked God, "Why Ziggy?" I didn't expect a reply from Him, but I got it anyway. Have you ever had a thought so clear and resounding in your mind that you know that it wasn't your own, but the Holy Spirit's? I had that. I was told that God always has a definite, perfect reason, and now just wasn't my time to know, but to trust.

I suppose this is a short post of encouragement. If you're experiencing a loss, staring in the eyes of uncertainty, or struggling through an obstacle, it's not life being a bitch to you, but a teacher. And if there's anyone bigger than your life and all the lives in the universe (I said universe and not earth 'cause I believe in aliens), it's God.

You first have to place your faith in Him, and then you will see His plan.

Go for it. :)

Of Hugs, Kisses, & Us.

2010-11-24T19:28:00.022+08:00

Delaney and me now, a little more grown up since last year.

We have come a long way, haven't we? :)

* * *

Three little birds, sat on my window;
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet;
Little girls playing double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright;
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.

- Put Your Records On, Corrine Bailey Rae.

I Eat Hazelnut Spread.

2010-11-23T03:00:00.009+08:00

. . . with toasted bread.

(Dude, I should totally grow up to be a poet.)

* * *

My hic-hic-hiccups and thoughts are keeping me awake at 3 in the morning. I know you want me to divulge in the latter. ... I kind of do, too.

...

Have you ever tried holding a conversation when you're lightheaded?

It's as if your thoughts have absorbed helium into themselves and begun to float and bounce off each other in your head, so whenever you want to construct a sentence, you have to close your eyes just so you can concentrate a little more on processing your floaty, bouncy thoughts and expressing them out. It's an odd sensation.

...

I have a Gay Best Friend. He sings all the girl's parts in songs and I sing all the guy's. It's kind of freaky (definition: "strange and somewhat frightening") but the laugh we get out of it before the song has even finished playing on the car's stereo is worth it. :) By the way, my GBF isn't gay for real. He just acts it sometimes, convincingly.

Hehe. ;)

...

MONOPOLY DEAL.

I'm so caught up with this card game, seriously. I carry a deck wherever I go now, so that I can pull it out, deal it, and play it with my friends should there ever be an opportunity (e.g. in a restaurant, waiting for our food to arrive, and then ignoring it when it finally does until the game ends when someone wins.) Fun stuff!

...

Aunty Lily, my Math tutor, is moving south to Singapore next week. :( This leaves me not only tutor-less, but AuntyLily-less too. She's a real character. How often do you find a Math tutor with an aeronautical engineering background who would, in the middle of teaching you geometry, suddenly ask, "Do you like bubur cha cha?"

I'll miss having lessons with her twice a week.

...

What can a certain young lady ask of a young man who grants her three wishes? Note: she can't wish for more wishes because when she tried just now, he only said to her, "NOGODAI." (Lazy man's way of saying, "Negative. Follow a procedure to pass physical life and lose all bodily attributes and functions necessary to sustain life.")

Ideas, please.

...

I'm sleepy. I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight. :)

Got Nothing But Time.

2010-11-15T16:08:00.002+08:00

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place;
If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday;
If only time flew like a dove;
Well, God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love.

- Hallelujah, Paramore.

Do You Have Scissors?

2010-11-14T00:01:00.000+08:00

I desperately need a haircut.

My Finger Is Soft Black.

2010-11-13T03:00:00.021+08:00

11.00PM at the mamak:

"Eh, what happened to her finger?"

"She slammed it in between her car door."

*Incredulous looks gets passed around the table.*

=__________=

Nonsense.

Three hours earlier, Del's house:

An hour before we headed out, Delaney and I spent our Friday evening getting her hair dyed black, soft black (according to the label on the box.) Inside the box was the hair dye mixtures, a satchet of hair conditioner, an instruction sheet, and a pair of disposable, plastic gloves. The gloves were, shall we say, retarded.

I pulled one over my right hand and all my fingers slipped right into their places. I pulled the other one on my left hand, and found that there was no glove finger for my index finger. Yes, index finger being the one I use to point and poke. An important finger, really. My first words? "Dude, you've gotta be kidding me."

Delaney and I laughed at my exposed finger, because it looked so ridiculous sticking out of the clear plastic like that. Pretty soon, I decided to just go on and get the job done with the malfunctioning left glove. "See how much I love you, Del?" I asked, teasingly. At the back of my head, I thought I could just easily scrub the dye off.

I was wrong, so wrong. After I bunned her hair up into a pink showercap, I spent the next ten to fifteen minutes just trying to scrub the stain off my exposed finger, but to no avail! It was too stubborn. Later this night, I found the same dye stains on my wrists, arms, and even my toes. I actually laughed at myself like an idiot.

Anyway, finger:

Shalalalala!

By the way, Delaney is totally in love with her hair right now. It makes this hair dye experience boo-boo pretty worth it; I wasn't too bad for somebody who has never dyed hair or ever have her hair dyed before! (Unless you count that time I was eleven years old and I let my cousin dye my hair with her leftovers. Hm.)

Peace out!

PS. BLESSED 3-HOUR BELATED BIRTHDAY, MISH. Love you longtime. :)

The Stars Wrote It Out.

2010-11-09T13:40:00.031+08:00

What Mishie text messaged me from Perth, Australia:

"I'm in the shopping mall and they're playing Feliz Lerida! Hurr."

You know, I actually laughed out loud in real life when I read that! I can't believe you can still remember that joke from childhood, Mish! :) Ee... I can't wait for you to come back home to KL, Malaysia next week. Psyched!

* * *

Old news, but I got a new car! (Thank you, Papa and Mama!) I'm not going to decorate it much, so no furry dices hanging from my rear-view mirror or fluffy pillows sitting on my backseat. I don't want it to scream from afar, "O HAI. MY OWNER IS A TEEN-AGED GIRL. ATTACK!" It is almost as bad as buying a pink car.

I'm not going to apologize for carrying this logic. It's a good one!

* * *

Damn you, Cullens. Getting fat off me, are we?

I hate mosquitoes. I hate mosquitoes that bite me even more. My legs were just getting back to their almost-flawless condition until the stupid pests just had to have a buffet on them that one, fine night. Now I have so many bites and wounds (from scratching too much when it itches) all over. There goes my skin. :(

* * *

I took the full, practice SAT set online yesterday. When Josh warned me that it would take a while to complete it in one sitting, I waved it off. How bad could it be? Three. hours. of. doing. nothing. but. clicking. and. typing. on. the. computer. I felt like a vegetable in the end. I had fun taking it though. Nerd alert.

* * *

Okay, the little sister just called me five minutes ago. I have to go pick her up from school now. I get to take mom's sexy car today! Yay!

Goodbye, people! Have a great week ahead of you. :)

Daylight Hurts My Eyes.

2010-11-07T02:12:00.011+08:00

Relationships.

These days I feel like I'm always in a long, ongoing battle against my own, growing cynicism. (Bah. Humbug.) But I am still witting enough to know that it would be a devastation, the day I lose my hope and my faith in love. (Okay, that was a little melodramatic.) As much as I hate to admit it, I am a closet romantic.

I don't want to stop believing that prospering romances are still possible in this world; that one is still possible for me... (Oh, Seuss. What did I just say out loud?) I was also going to continue with, "I want to share a love story with someone. A love story that lasts." but Sounding Like A Sad, Old Spinster isn't on today's agenda.

I don't desire a complicated past;
I want a love that will last.

Have you ever looked at a person's face and not just see the person with your eyes, but also an entire, possible future with that person in your mind? It's not quite something you choose to do, it kind of just so happens. You look at a person and- ker-bam!- this one feeling in your heart rises to become a thought in your head: Soul Mate.

If you think I must have had an experience like that, or at least a slight intimation of it, for me to come up with something like, well, that, you're wrong. I just have an offbeat imagination (and it doesn't help much that I'm a sort-of romantic on top of it.) As it is, I'm still debating with myself if there really is such a person as The One.

I don't do drama, my tears don't fall fast;
I want a love that will last.

Now that I've spoke this far, something is beginning to feel amiss. (Sorry, it's like I'm taking you on some merry-go-round ride of thoughts.) Maybe I've been holding onto a flawed idea of love, and it hasn't been cynical of me to frown upon it, but reasonable. If that's the case, I probably shouldn't fight against that part of me.

My thoughts, my emotions- they've been acting like violent winds against each other, creating a hell of a windstorm inside me. But somewhere in the eye of it, I know I've yet to truly learn and experience romance, so I shouldn't let myself down and give up on it altogether just yet. For all I know, a surprise is waiting to happen...

I want a love that will last forever;
I want a love that will last.

"Keep Calm & Carry On."

Star Jumps In The Park.

2010-10-27T14:52:00.006+08:00

We've known each other since we were 10 years old.

& we never really grew up ever since. ;)

What I Choose To Know.

2010-10-14T15:07:00.007+08:00

Never forget
There's life after death
And taxes
And forgiveness comes
Then all of the rest is what passes away
Death and decay can't touch us now

- Life After Death & Taxes, Relient K.

You Better Take It Back.

2010-10-13T12:37:00.000+08:00

Wow.

You know you've reached way past boiling point when your head gets so hot, your nose actually starts. to. bleed. It happened to me.

True story.

Where You Will Find Me.

2010-10-06T10:05:00.030+08:00

"Once you've been tagged, you're supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged."

* * *

1. I travel to and fro Manila, Philippines a lot, and because I do, people like to ask me if it'd be a nice place to visit for themselves. (That, and if I've ever eaten balut. Yuck.) My answer would normally be along the lines of, "Well... That depends on you."

To finally elaborate:

Want perspective? Visit Manila. I think it's the sort of place where you have to look for its charm and beauty, amongst its full-tilt city-madness. It's not a pandemonium everywhere though, I promise, but the places that are, are usually the most exciting. :) Oh, and the best thing about Manila is probably its people, and you don't have to be that adventurous to come across a local.

But if you rather a place's beauty rolled out to you, go to Philippines' beaches. ;)

2. I am a stubborn person.

3. I like it when someone asks for my name and when I give it, they're able to repeat it correctly the first time. It's impressive, 'cause not a lot of people have been able to do that. I also like it when they don't compare my name, Lerida, to the rap artist, Flo-Rida. (Ish... Too many people do this in attempt to be funny.)

Lerida =/= Flo-Rida. Please. The pronunciation is very different, okay.

4. On Andrew Tong's birthday, I wished him this on FB:

"As your present, I will forgive you for mistaking me to be Sydney and smacking me on the head the other day. LOL. Happy birthday, Andrew. :) It's all good."

Lee Jenn Ming immediately Liked it.

5. When I'm sad, I go to sleep. (It's probably the most direct form of escapism there is, if you think about it.) ... I slept my way through September. :(

6. I am clumsy beyond my ability to reason it...

On Monday, I accidentally punched myself in the nose. Don't ask.

7. Last night, Aunty Pek See (Brandon's mother) asked if I intend to live on overseas, after I've finished my higher education over there. I thought about it quietly for a while, and then for the first time, I said, "I think I'd want to come back to KL. I'm Malaysian and Malaysia is my home."

I love this country more than I thought.

8. There's this girl in the dojo that I'm so scared of, I actually try to avoid the days she goes to classes just so I'll never ever have to risk partnering with her. The last time I did, she nikkajo'd me until the skin on my wrist tore and the joint swelled. It. hurt. like. hell.

9. My uncle once said, "Depression is symptomatic of a self-centered person." When I heard him say that, I laughed and laughed and laughed... because I realized how right he was.

10. I can pull open a door on my own, seat myself at a table, and get up on my feet without help, but I do like it when a boy extends his hand for me- to open doors, pull chairs out, or support me up. It's really good manners, and it gives me more reason to treat him well, too. I'm not being anti-feminist, I'm being appreciative. :)

11. I swear to Beezus, sister to Ramona Quimby, it's so annoying when someone asks me a specific example of what kind of movies/music/books I like, and then scoffs at it when I mention it because they don't like it, or sometimes, because someone they don't like likes it too. Cheese me off.

12. Ever since 2008, I've been home-schooled. Literally. And despite what a lot of people think, I don't feel lonely. In fact, I'm more likely to feel that way when I'm amidst people than when I'm on my own, you know? It depends.

13. My mama's brownies are the best. :) Om nom nom.

14. I've been told that long-distance relationships can hardly be considered as real relationships at all, but I find that untrue.

Because if you think about it, it's a relationship stripped to its key- communication. The whole relationship pretty much runs on just that. And in that way, that's what makes it so real: when a couple make the most of communing with each other. Hugs and kisses aren't as essential in a relationship as talking is. ...They're nice though.

Moving on.

15. I feel like eating frozen yogurt right now.

Except I know that if I got what I want, I'd probably take a few spoons of it and not feel like eating it anymore, but would force myself to finish the whole freezin' cup because I was raised with the Asian precept of never letting one's food go to waste.

(Americans and their food fights = shame, shame.)

16. My friends are the best, especially the ones I grew up with. They take me the way I am, no matter what emotional condition I'm in at any present time. Sweetest thing is, they've been doing this for years and years now. Lifelong friends, I love. :)

17. I greet my cat before I leave the house or after I come back home. ("Bye, Zach! I'm going out now!" / "Hi, Zachhh... I'm back. How was your day?") It's become a habit la.

18. If ever, I only wear make-up on my eyelids or my lips because those are the places on my face I know I won't run a risk of clogging a pore and getting a pimple. I'm paranoid like that.

19. I dislike it when someone gets competitive with me, and they're like, "YEAH. I am so going to beat you at this!" When I'm like, "But I don't want to compete with you. I want to mind my own business." Sadly, what I say is usually ignored. Then, if they "beat" me, they go, "YEAH. I BEAT YOU, SUCKERRR." (It's quite dumb if you think about it, 'cause I didn't even agree to anything in the first place.) Or... *Holds up finger.* Or, if I "beat" them without even trying, they get upset.

What did I do? ;(

20. I have nothing against the Bible, but I have something against people who try to quote it to their own advantage. Seeeriously... Let's not get out of context here.

21. Right now, I am listening to my mom say to Zach, "Eeek!!! You filthy, disgusting cat! There's an earthworm underneath your armpit!!!" ... And now, she has whisked him away to the bathroom for a bath- a thorough one this time, I bet.

22. It's 10.00pm here, which means it's 8.00am in Canada.

I'd normally reach for my phone around this time, but maybe not tonight.

23. TWENTY-THREE! I'm reaching the end! Finally.

Just a thought.

24. Professional Writing (BS) or Convergence Journalism (BS)?

25. Career-wise, I'm fairly ambitious. Ever since I was 15, I've grown more sure of what I want to be and how I want to get there. I talk about it a lot, but also because I get asked as much. It's an adult thing to ask: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

But aside from being a successful careerist, there's something else I want to be that I don't tell people (probably because I know it's not the answer to the question as they meant it). Call me old-fashioned, but I do aspire to be a wife and a mother someday.

Someday; some time in the future I cannot specify.

* * *

Tag 25 people? Um... You! x25.

Goodnight, peeps. ;)

The Candy Of Your Eye.

2010-09-18T00:13:00.001+08:00

One of my favorite shots of Ms. Delaney. :)

I love being a teenager with you, babe. Ten years from now, when I look back at the seventeen-year-old versions of us, there will be so much to remember of our friendship.

Listen to the Bullet Talk.

2010-09-10T14:00:00.032+08:00

Hello. :) I just got a haircut from my favorite salon ever, Salon.

So... having my tresses cut and styled in a place with a self-explanatory name aside, it's been a pretty emotional month so far. It's not so much because I've been emotional, but more of everyone else around me. All these fighting and crying and leaving among ourselves is so heartbreaking... and this is where I become emotional.

-I will now abruptly change the subject.-

...

O HAI. I'm in Philippines now! I've been here since last Saturday, but I'll be back in Malaysia this Saturday- tomorrow! :)

Yesterday, I went to see my grandparents in Pilar, Bataan. They have a few houses around the Philippines, but the one in Pilar, Bataan is like, The House. It has belonged to the family for over a hundred years now, having been passed down from one generation to another. It's so old, it even has a fascinating history behind it...

My great-great-grandfather built this house in ... *tries to calculate the accurate date, but fails* ... uh, a looong time ago. But during World War II, the Japanese grabbed it over for themselves as their headquarters in Bataan (The Death March of 1942? Over there.) because it was one of the biggest houses around the province.

Anyway, cutting a long story short, the Japanese lost the war and left the scene, leaving behind the house for my ancestors to live in again... except the state they abandoned it in was a lot worse than when they had first occupied it. It was a mess, I imagine- broken windows, cracked floorboards, walls full of bullet holes, etc. etc.

The house underwent through a lot of cleaning and fixing up after that, and the structure is still as sturdy as ever today, even though it's also an old one. There's still bullet and shrapnel holes around the place, but most of them have been sealed up. It's an idyllic home now, sheltering an aging couple and their house staff day to day.

Photographs, anyone?

Main gates- well, towards the left of it anyway.

Steps that lead up to the main floor of the house... and the house kitten!

There's a doorway at the top of the steps. This is what's across it.

A portrait of my great-grandparents in traditional Filipino attire.

Eh... I think it's an idol of Jesus and two angels in the wall...

One of my ancestors, a politician, with a highway named after him.

Seriously.

Idols of Mother Mary and Baby Jesus that's half my size.

So there's this one room in the back of the house filled with glass cases of idols of Joseph, Mary, and Jesus. (Yes, like the one shown above.) When I was little, I was always too scared to enter that room- or go anywhere near it for that matter. Two reasons why: 1. They were friggin' taller than me, and 2. They were so creepy...

And as old as I am now... I'm still pretty scared of that room. (==) But I'm only half as scared as I was, I suppose, now that I'm finally taller than them. ...Still, they look creepy. I only dared to take so little photos around the room before I skittered off. I have an irrational fear of being accidentally locked inside it. Hurr. ><

Hmm... Peering out of an old bedroom door into the living room.

An unlit shrine for the late Earl de Leon Espinosa in the living room.

(Hi, Ziggy, I miss you. We all do, really.)

Anyway-

Aba, Lolo's caretaker, and the black & white cat whose name is Fuchsia. (==)

Silly, kitty cat pretending to be a house decor... She's fun to take photos of!

And to take photos with! She's quite photogenic for a kitten.

My mother, my sister, and- yes, it's her again- Fuchsia!

I was standing on the wrap-around balcony of the house when I took this.

My sister being an emooo... I like this quiet shot of her though.

Lolo and Julio, his other caretaker, having a stroll around the house.

Last but not least, a bullet hole in the house left uncovered! Pretty cool.

Okay, I think that's all I have to show of the house. I have to admit that most of the photos I took that day was of Fuchsia, the black and white cat. (I still can't get over the name, y'know. Fuchsia? Really?) There's a backyard, a basement, and a garage, but I didn't really go to any of those. The last two are dark and spooky anyway. Ee...

...

I'm back in Manila now, sitting in my dad's office and typing this on his laptop. I love this city, but I also miss Kuala Lumpur, which is why I can't wait to go back tomorrow! (And then I'll end up missing Manila, but such is life. Ho hum.) Till I post again, have a great weekend ahead of you, wherever you may be in the world! :)

PS. "Selamat Hari Raya!"

On Independence Night.

2010-08-31T00:12:00.008+08:00

It's midnight- MERDEKA!

Okay, that's... pretty much as patriotic as this post gets.

* * *

In North America, today's the last day of summer. In Malaysia, well, today's still summer like how it really always is all year round.

August has been a pretty good month for me- aside from that time I spent being sad, that is... Mishie was the sweetest about it. She would call and text me once in a while to check up on me. (Thanks, dear. I know I don't say this enough, but you're a true friend and I love you for it. :) Also, let's go to Pavilion when you get back! I'll drive.)

Jaryl has to come with us, of course! You need more than one PA. :)

* * *

So with my mom away in the States to visit her sister, my dad has been the one who sometimes fine-tunes my driving, something I've been doing a lot ever since I got my license. (Whoo, whoo!) I'm proud to say, I've learned how to be brave on KL's roads! (One knows how one needs guts alongside one's wits to go through this city.)

* * *

I used to say photography was an interest, but not my biggest. Still, it might have gotten bigger than what it was ever since my dad gave me his Nikon D40. :) In fact, tomorrow I'm going to have a photo shoot with Delaney! She'll be my model and I'll be her photographer. I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of fun for us... ;)

* * *

You know what time I woke up this morning? Half past five. An hour later, I was in the car with Andrew, who drove all the way to KLIA. (You're a good person, Man.)

Wayne returns to Canada today. Unlike last year, I didn't feel sad or anxious when I saw him go off, I actually felt calm with a hint of... contentment. I guess it comes from now knowing better who we are to each other, that we made the most of this summer and the next one is waiting for us, and what's it like to be apart the way we'll be again.

We've made some awesome memories this summer. ;) I'll miss you.

* * *

Figuratively, summer's coming to an end, and I'm welcoming autumn in. So I may not have a change in climate to look forward to, but that's alright because I have other things to in the upcoming months. ;) I have so many people to love, places to explore, and things to learn. It's been a good year so far... but it just might get even better. :)

For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic- Paramore.

I've No More Color Film.

2010-08-16T01:23:00.000+08:00

In words, Papa handed me down his Nikon D40. :)

I Will Never Forget You.

2010-08-15T23:55:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, when my heart pumps a little slower than it should, I think of you. I think of how yours did the same thing, and then stopped. ...And sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for mine to do the same thing yours did to you- stop.

And then it starts beating in proper rhythm again.

Life goes on, even though another no longer does. ...But it's been difficult to talk about my life these days. It seems kinda self-centered to talk about people, places, and things in my life when you've just left behind all that was in yours...

I hope you have way more now than you've ever had-
In Heaven, with Him.

. . .

I will always remember you, Ziggy.

Autumn On The Ground.

2010-08-05T17:49:00.003+08:00

You have been all I ever think about.

You lived in North America and I live in Asia, which is why we- well, I- can count the number of times we've seen each other with one hand. There was that time I visited San Francisco the year I was 6 years old and you were 11 years old. You were my favorite part of that summer break, even though you bullied me often. You pinched.

I occasionally asked about you over the years after that, but it wasn't until the Christmas I was 16 and you were 21 that we met again in one of your dad's houses in Manila. I wasn't sure how you'd receive me, after not having seen each other in ten years, but when you saw me you pulled me into an embrace so tight I couldn't breathe.

You were pretty jet lagged from your long flight back to Philippines, but you managed to keep awake long enough for us to catch up over dinner. My mom came over to where we were once, and in Tagalog, she teasingly chastised you for bullying me when we were little. You didn't even deny it, you just chuckled and said, "Yes, I did."

You switched off the lights and popped in a DVD in the family room after dinner, but I remember how I couldn't hear a thing Brad Pitt was saying, because you were snoring next to me. I tried nudging you, going, "Kuya, Kuya Ziggy." but when that failed, I picked up a pillow and hit you with it. You woke up with a start and I laughed.

I don't call anyone else Kuya (note: it means big brother in Tagalog). I could call Laurent, our French-Filipino older cousin brother, that, but he's in Tokyo. You see my problem here? So that leaves you. I may rarely see you, but I never see Laurent. And "Ziggy" is really only what family calls you. To everyone else, your name is Earl.

I remember how that night our family was surprised at how closely we resembled each other, even though we haven't been around each other for literally a decade. We talked alike, we acted alike. I'm not sure what they meant by that, because they weren't specific. But I do know I sometimes say pero instead of but like you do.

We saw each other again the autumn I was 16 going on 17. We had Thanksgiving in your mom's house in Modesto, California that year. I remember how you dragged me to see Ninja Assassin. I was so annoyed. Seriously? Ninja Assassin? Kuya, please! We spent the next few days together after, then we separated our ways in the USA.

The last time I saw you was the day after Christmas in San Francisco. I had just came back from New York. You sent me a message, asking if I wanted to hang out with you before I flew back home the next day. I replied, "I'm spending tonight packing up, Kuya. It's okay. It's not like it'll be the last time we'll ever see each other. :)"

It was.

You totally ignored that message I sent, called my parents, and drove over to the apartment to get me out of it and to go to town with you. I'm glad you did, Kuya. It turned out to be a great last night in the States for me. I would say what we did that night, but I selfishly want to keep it to myself. I'm unready to tell our last memories.

There is one I have to mention, though: It was at the end of the night and you were dropping me back to the apartment where I was staying with my family. You parked the pick up truck, we both got down from it. Before I crossed the street to the house, you pulled me in for a hug, promised we'll meet up again soon, and ruffled my hair.

I don't know how to write the rest of this post, to be honest. I have tried, but I keep backspacing everything. I was just so unready, Ziggy, for what happened. I went to sleep thinking about you last night. The next morning when I woke up, you were the first person I thought of. I feel ... I don't know what I feel. I don't know what to feel...

"Ziggy passed away, Lerry." ... Who will ever be ready for news like that? I wasn't. I wasn't at all. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. You were supposed to go to Berkeley. You were supposed to carry on being your cocky, funny self. You were supposed to see me again, too. (I don't even know what I'm saying now. I'm babbling.)

My condolences to Tito Jojo, Tita Mela, and Ginny... I doubt I understand the loss they feel, because you meant so much more to them, your father, mother, and little sister, than to me, your younger cousin sister who you've only got the chance to meet a couple of times in your whole life. You did mean something to me though, Kuya.

It hasn't yet sunk in that I will never meet you again in this lifetime. And that the last time I ever saw you was that time I almost did not. In my mind, you are so alive. I cannot imagine you dead. I don't want to. I have no idea why something like this would happen to you, but I hope there was a good reason to it. "Life is short." No kidding.

There is one thing I hope for you more than anything. I hope you get to meet our Creator. And there is one thing I pray for your family, our family. I pray that something good for our family will come out of all this. Maybe we'll learn how to cherish each other more? We could use that. You know how estranged the de Leon's can be.

I may not know you as much as I would like to (I kinda thought that we would have our big chance at that when I fly over to the States to study when I'm older) but I'm glad I knew you at all. You were good to me whenever we did see each other. You bullied me sometimes, but still. Kuya Ziggy, for what it's worth, I will really miss you.

Goodbye... I guess we won't be meeting again soon.

The Girl With Four Eyes.

2010-08-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

Watch out, world!

You are now looking at the face of a new driver's license holder. :)

Congratulations In Half.

2010-07-21T13:18:00.018+08:00

To write this post is a definite that I'll show up late for the meet-up in Sunway Pyramid later at 2PM (ice-skating and dinner with the gang, then a good, ol' sleepover with Mishie and Jaryl.) I have to write this post anyway! I'll just put on my superhero suit and fly over later. I travel like, 80mph on a fair-weathered day.

As it turns out, I am not in trouble with Papa for taking Mama's car out on a joyride. He was totally cool with it, like how he was cool that I only passed my driving test in the course but not on the road (eh, more about this later). This is where I declare that I have been given the best Papa ever: I haz teh best Papa everz!

So... I did not completely pass my driving exams yesterday. I don't know whether to feel glad or sad about this, you know? I mean, it's such a half-full/empty glass matter. On one hand, I passed my test in the course, but on the other hand, I failed my test on the road. It was my fault this time, too. I drove into the wrong lane.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

....................

Orz.

I have the awesomestest friends ever, who prayed for me over the phone the night before, text messaged me their best wishes and blessings on the day itself from as early as 7am, called me at the end of the day to ask how did it go, consoled me and even took me out to celebrate passing the first half of my exams... :)

Thank you, all of you. You have no idea how much the words you say and the actions you do to me or for me means to me. (I hope that wasn't too confusing.) I mean, you guys didn't just keep me from spiraling down into depression, but lifted me up too. I couldn't ask for more, when I've already been given so much.

God answers prayers. You guys asked for kinder and fairer JPJ examiners than the last time, and He did. The whole day, JPJ examiners have been talking to me gently and even telling me things like, "You look really pretty." And well, if my examiner on the road wasn't fair, I would've passed. But he was, so I didn't. ;)

When I told Papa about how I half-passed/failed, he was surprisingly nice about it. I was actually pretty scared when I told him, because I thought "If taking Mama's car out for a spin isn't the end of my 17 years, this is." It wasn't. I still do think I deserve at least a scolding... I mean, every single time I retake, it does cost...

"Hm. You passed half but failed the other half?" He asked, in his low voice.

"Y-eaaah." I say, not sure what else to.

"You know how "Congratulations" has five syllables?" He said, "If you divided it in half, it will be something like "Congrats". And since you only passed half of your driving exams today, Papa can only say "Congrats." to you. So, congratsss."

"Thanksss." I laughed.

"When you pass the other half of your exams, then Papa will tell you the other half of the word, "Ooolations". You haven't yet, so no "oolations" for you. You must earn the whole of "Congratulations" okay? For now, congratsss, dear. Love you."

Best Papa ever or what? :)

Retakes on August 3. Here's to getting that "Oolations!" Ooh, ooh.